I Can't Let Go
by HPRocksMe
Summary: With all the things we have gone through, it becomes more and more difficult to let go of her. I am Peeta Mellark and this is the story of my struggle, hope, love and how I reclaimed my life back with Katniss. Events between Post-Mockingjay and Pre-Epilogue. Rating may change for later chapters. Any feedback or review is highly appreciated.
1. Returning to District 12

Chapter 1 - Returning to District 12

I instinctively close my eyes as the light shines through it.

"Please open up Peeta, this won't take long." Dr. Aurelius says calmly. I open my eyes and he flashes his torch again. He checks dilation of my pupils by changing intensity of his torch-light. I don't understand what he is looking for; I know the problem is not in my eyes, its in my mind. I don't complain however, I just want to get this over soon. I have a train to catch.

After few minutes of examination, he turns off the light and starts scribbling something in his pad.

"It's all good, Peeta." He tells me. "When was your last fit of flashbacks?" He asks.

"About a month ago." I reply quickly.

"And you still want to go back?" He questions. This is like the hundredth time he has asked me this.

"Yes." I say exasperatly. "Doc, I want to start my life again and that's my home. I need to go back."

"I know that, Peeta." He says patiently. "But you know that circumstances will be different there. Your district is ruined, your home, your bakery, your family ... ", he sighs. "Peeta, you haven't been there since the bombarding and then there's Katniss. We don't know what might trigger the fits again." He speaks stressing on key words. He wants me to absorb all the information which frankly I have heard a million times. "Honestly speaking, I am a bit skeptical." He says frowning.

"But I am doing so well," I say quickly. "I always know beforehand when I am going to have a fit and I can deal with them. I can separate false memories with real ones and I have your pills to subside the after effects." I say all in one breath. I need to convince him. "And even if I stay here for another month, nothing is going to change, I'll still have to deal with everything you said whenever I go back, so what's the point in delaying."

"Well I always think you should just stay here and start a new life rather than go back to that forsaken place but I know ..."

"That's not an option, Doc." I cut him in between.

He sighs again. "Ok, If you insist, I am going to sign your release papers, but I'll be constantly talking to you on phone. And if anytime you feel you are not able to handle things, you let me know and I'll arrange your return. OK?"

"OK"

"Tell Katniss she needs to talk to me. I can't pretend that I am treating her if she doesn't even pick up the phone. When is your train?"

"In an hour."

"Well then there is nothing left except this." He puts his hand in his pocket and takes out a tiny box. I take it and open it and a small pearl is sitting inside it. I know right away its the same one I had given to Katniss during the Quarter Quell.

"How did you get this?" I ask him.

"It was stuck in Katniss' uniform when she got burnt. They gave it to me when I started treating her. Now, you can give this back to her."

"Why didn't you give it to her?"

"I guess I forgot." He answers with a shrug. "Well, take care now, Peeta and keep in touch." He offers his hand. I shake it suddenly feeling overwhelmed. This man has done so much to help me ... and Katniss as well.

"Thanks for everything, Doc." I say.

"Anytime."

I don't have much baggage to collect from my hospital room. A backpack containing a folder of my sketches, my pencils and colors, a small medicine kit and my wallet having some money. I keep the pearl box in my pocket and ride down the elevator to the reception. I give my releasing order to the receptionist and walk out of the hospital. A short ride from hospital and I am at the train station. I already have ticket for my train and I hurry up inside my reserved compartment. No one recognizes me at the station or in the train. May be its my burn scars or may be people in Capitol are actually busy doing something worthwhile this time around. Whatever it may be, I am happy to be just another anonymous passenger in the train.

As the train starts to move, I take a blank paper and some pencils out and start sketching. This is like a therapy for me. It calms me and keeps my mind from wandering. And I can keep doing it nonstop till I get so exhausted that I can no longer keep my eyelids open. Often that's the only way I can get to sleep. I sketch mundane things, plants, flowers, animals, buildings, furniture and just about anything except people.

An attendant brings my dinner to my compartment and I eat little. I instruct him to wake me up when District 12 is close. I am not sure when I doze off but I am awaken when we are at the outskirts of 12. As the train slows down, a fear grips my heart. I haven't seen this place since July of last year and it's almost end of March. What will I find here except ruins? I guess they didn't harm the station as they still needed a way to access the District. I get out of the station and hire a car to take me to my home in the Victor's Village.

I know that they have started cleaning up some places, few people have returned and some new construction is on the way but nothing has prepared me for the sight that lays before my eyes as I travel by. No building is visible anywhere not even the Justice Building, everything has been bombarded. No town, No merchant's area, no seam, not even the meadow is recognizable. And since the train reaches very early, there is not a single person in sight. This is what they have done, turned my home into ashes, the whole district gone. A heaviness seeps into my heart and I close my eyes. If I see anymore, it might trigger my flashbacks.

The car drops me outside the Village's gate. As I walk towards my house, I see other houses are occupied as well. Well, people need a place to stay as they rebuild our district and I am not the one to complain. Even though the Village was not touched by bombs, its barrenness is something that strikes me as painful. Before the bombings, there was greenery everywhere in the community and beautiful flower beds all around. The beds are gone now and the green has become grey. The Spring hasn't touched this place yet.

And that's the first thought I get, I need to bring some color around here. I dump my backpack in front of my house and turn around walking towards the woods. I walk by the edge of the Meadow. It's barren as well. As I near the electric fence which I believe is not powered anymore, I suddenly see the little scruffy bushes. One of them has a recent bloom of couple of flowers. _Primroses, so apt. _I look around and see few wheelbarrows lying near a large pit in the Meadow. There are spades as well. As I reach near the pit, I couldn't help but take a peek inside it. Its filled with bones. I quickly turn around and take a wheelbarrow and a spade with me. Then I carefully uproot the five bushes and put them in the barrow.

I start digging in front of Katniss' home under the window. After months of lying around in bed, my body is not used to such physical labor. But I welcome the pain, maybe I will get the sleep today without sketching. After a while, I hear the front door open and someone is running towards me. I am bending down and a pair of legs come in my view as they stop suddenly. I know without looking up that Katniss is standing in front of me. My heart starts to beat faster and I am not able to look up to her face.

"You're back," she says.

"Dr. Aurelius wouldn't let me leave the Capitol until yesterday," I say trying to calm my breathing. "By the way, he said to tell you he can't keep pretending he's treating you forever. You have to pick up the phone." I slowly lift my face to meet her eyes and her state shocks me. Unkempt hair, dull flaky skin, haunting eyes, old hunting jacket that looks too big for her emaciated body. An anger builds inside me towards Haymitch, he was supposed to take care of her.

"What are you doing?" she asks.

I look at the dug earth. What do I tell her? "I went to the woods this morning and dug these up. For her," I can't even say Prim's name. "I thought we could plant them along the side of the house."

She looks at the bushes and her face changes from frown to anger and then it suddenly relaxes. She nods and goes inside the house. I resume my work, my heartbeat slowly returning to normal. It takes another half an hour or so to complete the job. Sometime during the planting, Greasy Sae comes to Katniss' door and is shocked to see me. She politely greets me and goes inside the house. As soon as I am done, I go straight to Haymitch's house. He better has some good explanation.

**A/N: This story is inspired by JHutch, who plays Peeta in the movies. I would never have thought of Peeta's POV, if it wasn't for him. If you like the start, please leave a review. Thanks for reading. Will update soon.**


	2. First Day Back Home

Chapter 2 - First Day Back Home

I enter Haymitch's house and I see him lying on the sofa in the living room. The TV is on with nothing but static on it. I had forgotten how bad his house smelled and I wrinkle my nose with disgust. I turn off the TV and shake his shoulders.

"Haymitch ... get up!"

He slowly squints his eye to see my face and then shuts it off again. But in another second his eyes fly open and he is on his feet in a snap.

"Peeta!" He exclaims. He grabs my shoulder and shakes me. "You are real, you are back!"

"Yes."

"Oh my God!" He says and hugs me tight. I don't think I have ever heard Haymitch say Almighty's name. It's a very old expression seldom in use. He is hugging me tightly radiating warmth and for a few seconds I am so dazed that my mind goes completely blank.

"It's so good to see you." He says while keeping his hold. Suddenly, I remember I am here to scream at him and I know I've to break this hug because I feel my anger melting away at his show of affection.

I put my hands on his shoulders and detach him from myself.

"When did you come?" He asks.

"In the morning, and I am very upset. You were supposed to take care of her. What the hell were you doing all these days?" I feel my anger building up. I pick up his bottle from the floor. "Is this what you do all day? Just drink and sleep?" I say harshly.

"Well no ... I also watch TV, eat food and go to the bathroom to pee." He says sarcastically.

"Haymitch ... you were supposed to keep an eye on her ... "

"Calm down, my boy. I am keeping an eye on her. I hired Greasy Sae to cook and clean for her. And she makes sure that Katniss eats. I even visited her a couple of times but she didn't even notice me. All she does is sit in front of the fireplace and rocks on that old chair."

"Well she certainly got up from that chair and came out to see me."

"She did?" He asks me in surprise. "Really? That's good ... see your coming back is already doing her good." He says patting my shoulders.

"What good Haymitch ... have you even seen her lately?" I ask him. As I say this, Haymitch walks towards his window as if he can take a peek at her from there.

"I was so shocked to see her." I continue my tirade. "She is ... withering." I say for a lack of better word.

"Well, your withering girlfriend has just left her house, I suppose to go for a hunt." He says looking outside the window.

"What?" I say and join him at the window. And sure enough there is Katniss in her hunting jacket with her bow and arrow leaving the Village's gate.

"Don't worry about her. Everyone has their own way to deal with the bad days. She will come around. And now that you are back, I am sure everything will be just fine."

I am not sure what Haymitch is expecting from my return, so far everything seems so hopeless. I shake my head and slump on the sofa. He comes and sits near me and offer me his bottle. For a second, I am tempted to take it but then I refuse.

He chuckles and says, "See, you are a good man to be around." and he puts the bottle down. "Now tell me, what did you do in the Capitol since our departure?"

* * *

I spend most of the morning and afternoon just sitting at Haymitch's place talking about random things. I didn't even bother to go to my house. Greasy comes and brings lunch for us. She expresses her happiness on my return. She tells me this is the first time that Katniss has ventured out of the house and she thinks its all because of me. Somehow, it bothers me that both of them think that I can just perform some kind of miracle and get Katniss up and running. I know first hand how difficult it is. Hell, most of the time even I feel like locking myself up and just keep painting the whole time.

Late afternoon, when Haymitch is busy watching some crappy show on TV, I excuse myself and go out. I see Thom, Gale's old crewmate helping Katniss inside the house. I wait for him to come out near his cart. When he sees me, his face gives a genuine smile and he greets me happily.

"Peeta, you are back." He says shaking my hand.

"What happened to her?" I ask pointing at Katniss' house.

"I think she was just tired, she couldn't walk so I gave her a ride in the cart."

I nod. "How are you?" I ask him.

He shrugs. "Alright, I guess. There's lot to do. Me and few more people are clearing out areas, finding the remains of the dead, burying them in the Meadow. Once we finish an area, it gets bulldozed into a flat land and new construction starts. We move to other areas to clean them up. It's a slow process." He finishes quietly.

I nod again not sure what to say. But he continues after a few seconds. "We haven't touched the bakery though. Mayor Winslow said you might be coming back and its better if we do it with you around."

"Oh ... " I say. I don't really know how to respond to this so all I ask is "Mayor Winslow? Do you mean Corry Winslow, the cloths' merchant?"

"Yes, the same one. We needed a proper election process to select Mayor for 12, but there weren't many people and he volunteered. He is a good man so no one is complaining."

"Yes, he is." He was my father's old friend.

"Anyway, its good to have you back, hopefully we will get some fresh bread now." He says smiling.

"Is there a market around?" I ask him.

"Yes they have set up a temporary market place near the ruins of the Justice Building. You can get things at a subsidized rate from there, courtesy of our new Government. They are even paying us for all the cleaning process." He finishes smiling.

As he leaves, I automatically move towards Katniss' house. But as I reach her doorstep, I hear a faint crying coming from indoors. Before the war, I would have run inside without a second thought to comfort her but now something has stopped me on my tracks. I can't go in ... things are not the same between us anymore. I cannot just pick up from where we had left. I am not even sure where we were before. It seems like we have to start from square one again. And I can't do this ... not today. I turn back and go into my house which is diagonally across hers.

Except for the musty smell and a layer of dirt everywhere, the house looks the same. Although, I haven't done anything today except planting bushes and sitting with Haymitch, even that little socializing has taken its toll on me. I dump my backpack near the door and I dust down the couch with a broom. I crash on the couch letting the sleep take over. Before going to deep sleep, one thought registers in my mind. I have turned eighteen today.

**A/N: As everyone might already know, Katniss is crying because Buttercup has come back. I will try to stay true to the canon as far as possible. Please leave a review. Next chapter will be uploaded soon.**


	3. Visit to Market Place

Chapter 3 - Visit to Market Place

I wake up sweating with the after effects of a nightmare involving some lizard mutts. My breathing is faster and my hands are clutching a cushion tightly. I look at the wall clock in front of me. With all the dirt accumulated on its face, I am glad it has radium hands to let me know that its only 3:00 am in the morning. Any more sleep seems to be out of question. I look around the living area. I might as well start cleaning up a bit.

Not to exert myself much, I plan to do only the hall and the kitchen today. I'll take the study and the upstairs bedrooms tomorrow. I get the brooms and the mops out and start from one corner. It takes around an hour to clean up the hall and the living room and I am already filthy. My next area of purging is the kitchen. In another hour or so, I am done with the kitchen as well. It feels good to engage in something so mundane as cleaning.

As I open the Pantry, I see my stock has not been touched. When I had left for the Quarter Quell, I had asked my brothers, Rick and Oscar, to bring all the remaining stuff to the Bakery. I guess, they didn't get around to do it. I look into the available inventory. Yes, I have enough flour and baking material to make some loaves. I even have some raisins and nuts to put. I quickly take a shower and change into some clean clothes. Thankfully not much dirt has accumulated inside my closet. I put the box with the pearl in my bedside table drawer; right now, it's not the time to give it back. After changing, I come back to kitchen and start on the breads. I enjoy this familiar work, it turns into as good a therapy as painting, may be even better. In no time, I have eight loaves ready.

Later, I see Thom and his crew members walking towards the town from my window. I grab four loaves and run to them. They are really happy to get some freshly baked bread and they thank me heartily. Then I take one loaf at Haymitch's house and dump it on his dining table. He will eat it when he gets around. I take another one to Katniss' House. Just as I reach the door, I see Greasy Sae walking towards me. She greets me smilingly.

"Here's some bread for breakfast." I tell her.

"Great! fresh bread, thank you Peeta. Come inside." She says without taking the bread from me.

"Ok". I say. I want to check on Katniss, I had heard her crying yesterday.

As we enter the house, I feel something brush up against my leg.

"Buttercup!", I exclaim. "Where did you come from?" I ask picking him up. His back foot is bandaged and there are cuts and scratches all over his body.

During my days in Victor's Village before the Quarter Quell, I had developed a comfortable friendship with Prim. More than often, Buttercup accompanied her to my house when we frosted the cakes together. Prim loved the decorated cakes.

I look up at Katniss and see her frowning. She and Buttercup were never best of the friends. Katniss' eyes are red and puffy. It seems she had been crying all night. A guilty feeling creeps up inside me.

"He walked all the way from 13." She says as I sit at the dining table.

"Really? You are one brave cat." I say to Buttercup.

"But it was no use. He didn't know Prim's gone." Katniss says. I can feel the hurt in her voice.

"Well ... it doesn't matter." I say to Buttercup. "Prim would be so proud of you for coming back and taking care of her Big Sister, won't she?" I scratch Buttercup behind the ear and look at Katniss smirking. Buttercup mews in agreement.

Katniss scowls and looks away. When Greasy serves us breakfast, Katniss feeds all her bacon to Buttercup. I watch them while I have my own meal. Katniss mostly ignores me, caressing and feeding Buttercup the whole time. Seeing them, I start thinking. Here are the two beings, who didn't care much about each other, and they are now bonded together by the loss of a mutual loved one. Is that how it will be with me and Katniss? Will the losses we have experienced bring us closer or will I remind her too much of the bad times. Suddenly, I feel that she might not even want me here.

Her phone rings interrupting my thoughts and Greasy picks it up.

"It's Dr. Aurelius." She informs Katniss.

Katniss looks at me. I shrug. "You don't have to talk." I tell her. "Just listen to what he is saying so he has some minutes of your therapy logged in his records." She nods and gets up. I can't hear what Dr. Aurelius is saying and as for Katniss, I don't hear another word from her after a small 'Hello'. I get up and go out of her house without saying anything to her or Greasy.

* * *

I don't go back to my house and decide to visit the market place which Thom had told me about yesterday. I might as well buy some basic supplies. I pass the Meadow on my way and see people bringing carts of what I assume are bones and dumping them in the pit. I move on to the merchants' area and reach the square. Just beyond, I can see an almost clean area, where the Justice Building was. New construction has started here. I can see few beams erected in the general vicinity. A few feet from the area, stands a huge tent with a flap open for entry and exit. This must be the market place. I don't remember seeing it during the car ride to home yesterday although it's really hard to miss. But then again, my mind is not trusted to register every thing.

As I take a walk through the tent, many familiar faces smile at me encouragingly. I share minimal greetings, buy some ingredients for baking and other daily need products. I take my two bags and sit on a bench outside the tent. I am already tired, and it's not even noon. I close my eyes and take a nap right there in the sun. I guess its couple of hours later, though it felt only minutes, that I am woken up by the smiling face of Corry Winslow. Mr. Winslow is a man of sixty with a bald head and intelligent eyes. He was a good friend of my father.

"Peeta! it's good to have you back." He says.

"Hello, Mr. Winslow. Congratulations on your Mayor ... umm ... ship." I say shaking his hands.

"Oh ... that was nothing, someone had to take up the charge." He says dismissively. "And I really wanted to start rebuilding our District soon, it has been ignored enough. Everyday I am pushing the government to send more aid."

"Yes ... I can see the work progress." I tell him although I haven't really seen much.

"I have a big vision for 12 now and as more and more people return, we can really make some big changes in no time." He says enthusiastically.

"But what will they return for?" I ask him skeptically. "I mean, working in coal mines doesn't sound tempting as compared to life in 13 or any other district really. They all have better occupations and industries."

"Ah ... but of course, you don't know." He exclaims. "The coal mines are closed for good now. District 12 will now have a big factory for production of medicines. It will open lots of opportunities for our people. Now, we will start with rebuilding the Justice Building and then ... ".

And he starts telling me all his thoughts about the new developments around the district. Justice Building for official work, the market area, the residential blocks, so on and so forth. Half the things are not even registering in my mind, but his enthusiasm brings a smile to my face and warmth in my heart. Some more familiar faces come and join the discussion and ideas are tossed back and forth.

"Hope you will have your bakery running soon, Peeta." Mr. Winslow says as he departs after a long brainstorming session.

_My bakery?_ I haven't even thought about it. Technically, I don't need a business to survive, I am already on a government payroll, either because I was a Victor, or because I was in a rebellion squad ... actually I am not even sure what I am getting paid for. It seems more like a pension than a paycheck. The idea of restarting the bakery and have an earning of my own is tempting. But before that, I have to go and look at the bakery ruins and get it cleaned up. I don't have the stomach to do that ... not today.

I spend rest of the afternoon sitting on the bench doing absolutely nothing. As the sun sets, I walk back towards my home.

**A/N: Just some of my thoughts on the working of the new government. Any feedback is welcome.**


	4. Setback

Chapter 4 - Setback

I watch the sun going down as I enter the Village. The sky is tinted with orange; it's my favorite time of the day and its beautiful. I walk towards my home passing Katniss' house. I see her sitting on the stairs with Buttercup on her lap. I nod at her and move on but her voice stops me.

"Where were you all day?" she asks. I get a hint of accusation in her voice.

I turn towards her. "I was visiting the market area and I met Mayor Winslow." I tell her.

She frowns. I don't think either market area or Winslow made any sense to her. "I thought you had left." she says quietly.

"Left? To where?" I ask her. Her statement confuses me.

"Back ... to where you were all these days ... away from me." She says flatly.

And before I can say anything, she stands up dropping Buttercup from her lap and goes inside. Buttercup hisses at her but follows her wake.

I am still standing confused outside her house when Greasy comes out. She is accompanied by a small girl of six or seven. The girl looks at me and hides behind her.

"Peeta, come inside for Dinner." Greasy says.

"Ah ... No. Sorry I ..." I start thinking of an excuse. Like morning, I don't want another session of me watching Katniss and she ignoring me. _Hmm ... It's like we are back in school._

"No excuses. Haymitch is also coming." She says.

"Oh ... OK." I say meekly.

"Good." She looks at me frowning and then her eyes move onto the bags I'm holding. "You can keep those bags at your home and ... umm ... then maybe freshen up before dinner." She suggests smiling. "Come, Soni!" she says to the little girl.

"Is that your granddaughter?" I ask her.

"Yes, she is." she says fondly looking at the girl. There is something off about her but she is a pretty little thing. I smile at her. "Hello, Soni! I am Peeta." I say to her.

"Oh she doesn't talk much ... she is mostly in her own world." Greasy tells me.

"You have other grandkids?" I ask Greasy.

The smile from her face suddenly falls. "Not anymore." She says quietly. "I lost them all when they dropped firebombs. My son and his wife as well ... Soni is all I have left." And she almost chokes.

"I am sorry." I say.

"We are all in the same boat, Peeta. You lost your family too." She says shaking her head. "You see, that's why I want you to come for dinner. There are so few of us left, it will be very difficult if we start ignoring each other. There won't be anyone to talk to."

"Yes. Let me dump these and I'll join you shortly." I say to her.

I put the bags in the kitchen and sort the stuff I had bought. Then, I take a quick shower and go to Katniss' house. Haymitch is already sitting at the table with Katniss.

"So, she got you to come too?" He says to me jerking his thumb at Greasy.

"Yes. I couldn't resist her charm." I tell him. Both Haymitch and Greasy chuckle. Buttercup comes to me to get his ears scratched and then goes back to Katniss. Soni gives me a small smile and starts playing with her yarn. Katniss remains impassive avoiding my eyes.

Later, we all sit around the dining table and have our dinner. Greasy and Haymitch ask me about my visit and I tell them all about my encounter with Mayor Winslow. I share the ideas that I can remember from our discussion and they comment on it. We keep the small talk going, pretending we are one big happy family. But Katniss sits aloof from all of this. She keeps staring her plate, shifting her food with a fork and occasionally feeding Buttercup from it.

Looking at her, a feeling stirs inside me. Annoyance. I feel annoyed by her distant attitude towards us. I mean, here we are trying to cope up with our losses, making an effort to get on with our life, and she just sits there, so out of reach, that's its impossible to even catch her eyes. I have lost my whole family; Greasy just have a granddaughter surviving and Haymitch ... well he never really had anyone. We are all trying to get through each day and here is Katniss, who still has her mother and Gale, both alive and healthy. What more does she want? Why isn't she thankful for what's left rather than mourn for what has been lost? Is this why I have come back? To see Katniss sitting like a robot, with a stoic face?

The annoying feeling is quickly replaced by anger and my breathing suddenly goes faster. I feel something like an electric shock in my brain and my eyes start to dilate blurring my vision. I immediately know what's coming. I stand up quickly.

"I have to go." I say.

Katniss jerks her head up to see me. An alarm registers across her face. I don't even look at Greasy or Haymitch's reaction as I dash out of the house. I run with all the speed I can muster to my place. I collapse on the floor as soon as I shut my door. A blackness engulfs my head and I close my eyes screaming. The flashbacks are there, in front of me, _bam, bam, bam,_ image after image.

_There's Katniss with her fire costume; she is trying to kill me with tracker-jackers; she is holding a spear as Rue dies; she is giggling and laughing like a maniac; she is kissing me; she is cutting my leg up; she is kissing Gale; she is shooting arrows at me; District 12 in fire; Katniss turning into a mutt with huge wings and_ _a__ sharp beak. All of these, and many more, again and again, like a movie in a repeat mode._

I open my eyes and crawl slowly to the center table. I grab the wooden top of the table and start hitting my head on it. The pain shoots through me and my vision comes into a sharp focus for a moment. The images slow down. I keeping hitting my head, surging pain inside my body and slowly, very slowly the images stop. When it's over, I feel the world is revolving around me. I slump on the floor right next to the table. I close my eyes and try to calm my breathing. I am sweating profusely and I am exhausted.

As almost always happens after I get such a fit, unconsciousness takes over me.

* * *

I wake up in the morning with a severe headache. It doesn't help when I touch my forehead and feel a huge lump, courtesy of my head banging. I gingerly stand up and slowly move to the kitchen. From my medicine box, I pop a couple of pills for my headache and put a lotion on my lump to reduce the swelling. I feel a little better in few minutes and then hopelessness engulfs me.

This is not right ... I was doing so good in Capitol ... I didn't have a seizure for almost a month and now in District 12, I get it in less than 48 hours. I hate this ... this is what Dr. Aurelius was afraid of, this is what he expected and I have proven him right.

As if on cue, my phone rings. This could only be him. Although, I have never lied to him once during my treatment; this time, I think I'll make an exception. I pick up the phone and say in a most cheerful voice I can manage.

"Hello ... Peeta Mellark here."

"Peeta, Dr. Aurelius here ... you sound good." He says. I can almost here a relief in his voice.

"I am feeling better ... its good to be back." I say in a positive tone.

"That's good. You met Katniss yesterday? How was it?" He asks me.

"Well ... she didn't talk much. Mostly ignored me. But we had breakfast together and then dinner."

"Yes, yes. I feel she is still in her shell. Give her some time, just be there for her. Try to make her understand that acceptance is the first step of healing."

"Yes."

"I am so proud of you Peeta and remember I am here for you."

"I know Doc. Thank you."

I feel ashamed after I keep the phone, but if I had told him about the flashbacks, he would have forced me to come back. And now he expects me to help Katniss. How can I do that when I am not in control myself? Even I have problems accepting things. Every time I get these flashbacks, they shake me to my core. They make me doubt everything and I get really confused between what's real and what's not. And that's when it becomes hard for me to accept. I keep asking myself, _why me why me? _

But deep down I know, Dr. Aurelius is right. I need to keep reminding myself that this has happened to me. I am not the same person anymore, my mind, my heart and even my soul has been altered and there is nothing I can do to change this fact. I just need to accept this.

And it suddenly strikes me what I have to do.

**A/N: Here it is ... the first setback for Peeta. Some may find Peeta's thoughts unreasonable, but please remember that he has been through a lot and he is not the same person anymore, especially when he is about to have flashbacks. Thank you all for your comments.**


	5. Recap

Chapter 5 - Recap

I dash to Haymitch's house and find him slumped on his table with a bottle in one hand and knife in other.

"Haymitch ... wake up!" I shake him but as usual there is no response.

I don't feel very patient. I pick up the water jug from the table and douse him. He wakes up thrashing his knife. Then stops when he see me anger slowly etching his face.

"What the hell, Peeta?" He says angrily. "Damn, I am soaked."

"Sorry, I tried to wake you up the nice way but it didn't work."

"You need to stop hanging out with Katniss ... she is a bad influence."

"You know that won't happen, so stop cribbing." I cut him.

"What do you want?" He asks me irritably. Then his eyes moves to my swollen forehead. "What's wrong with your head?" He asks me.

"Nothing! my head is just fine." I snap at him.

He frowns and looks concerned. I take a deep breath. It's not his fault. I am frustrated with myself. I sit on the chair and calm myself. He sits beside me wiping himself with a towel.

I turn to him and say, "Tell me everything ... everything about me, about what happened with me. Whatever you know."

He looks at me frowning. Then he takes his sweet time thinking about something. Who knows what goes on in his brilliant mind? After a while he asks, "Where do I start?"

I am glad he doesn't ask me why ... it will be really difficult for me to give him reasons. I think for few seconds and then tell him to start from my reaping in the 74th hunger games. He starts telling me everything he knows, in detail.

The reaping of Prim, Katniss volunteering, followed by my reaping. He tells me about the deal he made with us on the train about being sober enough to help us. Our fiery entrance in the tribute parade, our maintaining a friendly rapport with each other, our training scores. Then came the part where he became aware of my true feelings for Katniss. And our plan to present us as star-crossed lovers. He chuckles thinking about Katniss' shocked reaction after my interview. Well he might have found it funny, but I had to pay for it when she shoved me and injured my hand.

Then the games started. He tells me how I stopped Katniss from going to Cornucopia, how I teamed up with Careers and mislead them. How we trapped Katniss on a tree and she dropped the tracker-jackers nest on us. How I fought Cato to let her escape. My days near the stream in a semi-conscious state where slowly I was loosing blood and my life.

He tells me how my actions and his efforts made our love-story so popular in the Capitol that the game-makers had to change the rules to keep it interesting. How Katniss came to find me and brought me back to life. How she endangered her own life to get my medicine. How he and Katniss had an unspoken understanding and how they worked together to keep us alive. The time in cave where the love act was real for me and for her, a way to get sponsors' gifts. The end of Cato and the infamous nightlock berries incident, threatening our double suicide. The games ended with Capitol becoming a laughing stock for the Districts. I, however, ended up with an artificial leg and a broken heart.

Then came the months where I ignored Katniss and she did the same. Where I spent my time painting the games and she with her family and Gale. He tells me about Snow's threat and how me and Katniss had to act during the Victory tour. The tour, where first we became friends, then started sleeping together, literally, and then finally got engaged to convince President Snow of our love. It didn't matter though, there were uprisings in various districts and we could do nothing to pacify it. We came back to 12, Katniss implored us to run away, Gale got whipped and we became prisoners in our own homes.

The worse came when the third Quarter Quell was announced and we had to prepare to go back to the arena. He tells me about the double deal he made with Katniss and me to keep the other one alive. He had already been approached by the rebels to get Katniss to join them but now he had to plan with other Victors to get Katniss out alive from the Quell. He convinced all the others to keep me alive, if they wanted any support from Katniss. Oblivious to all of this, me and Katniss met the old Victors, tried to form an alliance and failed. He reminds me of the time when me and Katniss spent the whole day on the roof and gives me a knowing smile. I doubt he knows what happened up there. For me, it was the best day of my life. He moves on to the interviews. He tells me about Katniss' mockingjay dress, which resulted in Cinna's death. About my confession of getting secretly married and announcing Katniss' pregnancy.

Even with the efforts of all the Victors, the games were still on. He tells me about the alliance we made with Finnick, Johanna, Beetee and Wiress. How Mags and Dina(District 6 tribute), sacrificed themselves to save me. How Wiress figured out the arena was a clock and then died a brutal death. He tells me all about the breads we received and how those were related to our rescue mission. And with everything going on, me and Katniss were still clueless and just tried to keep each other alive. In fact, we became each others worst adversaries, who were ready to give their own life to save the other. He also reminds me of our kiss at the beach, which is still vividly imprinted in my mind. Then came the execution of Beetee's plan, Katniss blowing up the arena, her rescue and my capture.

Here Haymitch stops.

"We could have rescued you if you had been in the vicinity. We barely got out before their hovercrafts showed up. Katniss was so pissed when she found out you were in Capitol, she scratched my whole face." He tells me, guilt dripping from his voice.

"It doesn't matter any more." I shrug waving my hand. "Continue."

"I have some knowledge from Johanna and Plutarch's agents of what happened to you during your capture." He says. "You want to know that part?"

"Yes, go ahead." I tell him.

"After your capture, they kept you and Johanna safe and healthy for a few days. They wanted to save their faces and show the Capitol and the Districts that they were still in control. That's when they recorded your first interview with Caesar Flickerman. They wanted a confession out of you insinuating Katniss' knowledge of the rebellion, but you obviously didn't do anything like that. At that time, you and Katniss both could influence the Capitol citizens and the rebels alike. Katniss, with her actions and you, with your words. Since the rebels had Katniss on their side, they were bound to use you for Capitol's sake. They wanted you to call for cease-fire."

I nod. I still remember my first meeting with Snow.

"Yes. Snow personally met me before the interview and in not so many words threatened to kill Katniss if I didn't do it. I was not sure how strong the rebel control was at that time. We were so out of loop. And at that time, I truly believed that the war would result in total annihilation of our species." I tell him.

He continues nodding. "After recording that interview, they started torturing you and Johanna for information. I believe they knew pretty early that you didn't know anything about the rebels but they wanted to break you ... to get back at Katniss. And after Katniss' propos were telecasted, they got you in for the second interview."

_Yes, the torture._ I shiver slightly thinking about the time. They had started with mental torture, sleep deprivation, hunger, then physical torture, battering, cutting, burning, shocks, and what not. _And the screams ... gut wrenching, toe curling, Johanna's, Darius', mine, oh ... the never-ending screams_. It's all muddled in my mind but I start sweating as soon as think about that time.

Haymitch watches me, then offers me some water. I take big gulps.

"They had killed Darius in front of me just before the second interview." I tell him. "They wanted another cease-fire call from me and they told me that Katniss had been made a puppet by the rebels and that I should warn her about them. I was already weak and distressed. And Darius' death shook me up badly. I didn't know what was right, what was wrong. I just said what they wanted me to."

"They wanted to show you off to Katniss." He continues, "To send her a message that whatever she does, will come back to you. They wanted her to stop any more propos. But that didn't happen. Plutarch already had Katniss' footage from District 8, and they built and showed many more propos from that. As the Districts started getting free, Snow knew he was heading for trouble. And I think that's when he ordered your hijacking. He wanted you to use against Katniss. And then you had your third interview live with Snow. That's when you warned us about the bombing. I believe one of Plutarch's agent told you about that."

A pretty face comes into my vision. "I was in a hazy state of mind before that interview." I tell Haymitch. "They gave me something so I could become a bit coherent and relay all the information about rebels' areas of destruction. Then, just before they were about to take me to the interview, a Capitol nurse came to me. She was a pretty girl, with red hair. She told me about the bombing. She insisted I warn District 13 about it during my interview. She was in a hurry and kept telling me that I have to do it if I wanted to save Katniss. And I did, I said it in the interview when I got a chance. I never saw her again."

Haymitch nods. "She couldn't get the message to us, so she got it through you. But they found her." He sighs. "She was not a nurse, but a news anchor for Capitol TV. She was secretly working for Plutarch. They tortured her for information and then they ... you know disgraced her before killing her off."

I look at Haymitch, tears threatening to come to my eyes. "Her warning helped, I believe." I say trying to compose myself.

"Yes, she and you saved lots of lives. Her sacrifice was not in vain." He takes a deep breath as if controlling his own emotions. "But Katniss was lost after that. After seeing you getting kicked and seeing your blood splattered all over the floor, she broke down. Snow, at last succeeded in stopping her. That's when Coin put a team for your rescue."

"Yes, for Katniss. I was rescued for her." I say flatly.

"For the Rebel's cause." Haymitch says defensively. "You know Gale was part of that team?"

"And he did that for her as well. Nobody really cared if I lived or died." I say irritatingly.

"Katniss did. I did." He says forcefully. "You know she agreed to become Mockingjay only after Coin pledged immunity to you. She cared about you, even loved you, in her own way, more than you know. Still does."

I snort.

"Snort all you want Peeta, but it's true. Snow knew it and so did everyone who watched you two in the Quarter Quell. There was no doubt, how she felt about you. All that was not for the television show. No one is that good an actor ... certainly not Katniss."

I don't know what to say. I don't want to dwell into the messed up relationship between me and Katniss. I shake my head to clear up my mind. I need to focus. "What happened after my rescue?" I ask him.

"Lets eat something first. It's lunch time and I am starving." he says standing up. He starts rummaging his fridge, while I sit there contemplating on what Haymitch had told me.

**A/N: The recap may sound redundant to the readers, but it was important for Peeta and for this story. Also, I wanted to touch a little on what happened to him during his capture in Capitol. Thanks for reading. Love your comments.  
**

******If you are interested in reading on how Peeta got into Careers, and how the star-crossed lover plan came into existence, please read my other fanfic 'The Hunger Games Trilogy : One-Shot Stories'. Would love to know your thoughts.  
**


	6. Recap 2

Chapter 6 - Recap 2

Haymitch continues while we eat cold chicken sandwiches.

"So you were unconscious when they got you in 13, because of the knockout gas. And when you woke up and saw Katniss ... well you tried to kill her." He says as if it was no big deal.

I frown at him suddenly feeling defensive. "Back in Capitol, they would show me some videos of Katniss, and then they would give me a dose of tracker-jacker venom. It became hard to separate real memories from the ones that my mind hallucinated from fear. I think they even digitally modified some aspects of the videos to show Katniss as a monster. Like the one where she was putting spear inside Rue. I believe in reality she was just holding it, but they somehow modified it to show me that she was actually stabbing Rue with it. Or the one where Katniss morphed into an evil version of mockingjay ... "

"Peeta, nobody blames you for your actions." He cuts me. "We all know you had been subjected to the worse kind of torture. Yes, it came as a shock for me and for Katniss, but we never held you responsible for the attack. It was just too much to take in, especially for Katniss."

I shake my head. I know they don't blame me but I can't help feeling guilty. "What happened next?"

And he continues. He tells me about the efforts they made for my recovery. How they assembled experts and tried to revert the affects of my hijacking. My chat with Delly Cartwright where they came to find out that I actually thought that Katniss was a mutt. He tells me how Katniss got so depressed after hearing me, that she just wanted to get out of 13. So they sent her to District 2. Meanwhile, my recovery continued back in 13. On Prim's suggestion, they tried to hijack me back and I believe that's when they got their first breakthrough. My main problem was that I was wary of everyone. I suspected and reproached all their actions and their prime challenge was to convince me that I was in a safe and secure environment. By hijacking me back, I slowly started to get my memories back. I guess, I started to trust them.

Then came Finnick and Annie's wedding where Prim suggested that I do the frosting for their cake. I didn't feel like the same person anymore but when I started working on their cake, it was almost like I was back to normal. Haymitch tells me how he came to see me and I got really angry at him for keeping me in dark about the rebel's plot. Then the time after the wedding, when I saw Katniss for the first time after my attack on her. My attitude towards Katniss had changed. I still distrusted her and saw her as a manipulative person, who took advantage of my love. _How this must have hurt Katniss?_

Haymitch moves on to my physical workout with the District 13 soldiers and how Plutarch wanted to film me and show the country that I was alive and working for the rebels. Then Katniss left for the Capitol and a week or so later the order came for me to go to Capitol as well and join her squad. Haymitch tells me it was all a part of Coin's plot. She wanted me to kill Katniss. And if I had done that, I would have died too; either someone would have shot me or I would have taken my own life. That way, Coin would have gotten rid of the two faces who were the spark of the rebellion.

He tells me how my squad helped me with my trust issues by playing the game of 'Real or not Real'. How I slowly started trusting Katniss again and we actually had some real conversations. I was still recovering from my hijacking but now I could sort of tell real memories from the fake ones. However, I did occasionally loose my head.

And then it happened, at the worse time in Capitol, I lost my mind and everything went into chaos. Boggs hit an unmarked pod and I pushed Mitchell into a death trap.

"After Boggs accident, we lost all contact from the Squad." Haymitch continues. "We got the news from the Capitol about your death. Coin didn't show it but I knew she was really happy about it. Then later, there was another news that five of you were alive and big rewards were offered for your capture. I didn't know what to believe anymore. I think I spent those couple of days in total drunken stupor. Then Plutarch told me that you and Katniss were in a Capitol hospital, badly burnt but alive. I think that's the first time ever that I thanked God."

He pauses. "You know, Katniss can give you a first hand account on what happened in the Capitol during those two days."

I look at his impassive face. I know what he is trying to do. He wants me to go to Katniss and talk to her. I nod and get up.

"Thank you, Haymitch." I say.

"Anytime, my boy!" He says smiling.

It's already evening when I enter Katniss' house. She is sitting on her rocking chair with Buttercup on her lap. I pull a chair beside her. She startles and looks at me in alarm.

"Tell me, what happened after Boggs died?" I say without any preface. Her eyes hover towards my swollen forehead and she frowns.

"Please" I say.

"OK", She says hesitantly. And like Haymitch I am glad she doesn't ask me any reasons. Then she starts.

"After Boggs died we went inside a nearby house to escape from the black wave. Boggs gave me the control of Holo and I sort of convinced everyone that I am on a mission to kill Snow. We had to lock you in a cupboard ... then we decided to move on to another house."

"Why didn't you just leave me there? Or just killed me?" I ask.

She looks at me surprised by my question.

"I had killed one of our squad member. I was a liability. " I say to her.

"Leaving you was never an option. You were part of our team and ... I could never do it ... not again." She says. I know she is referring to our time in Quarter Quell, when we got separated. "And killing ... well you did plead us to do that but it was unanimously rejected."

I remember that part. I understand her reasons for not killing me, she was still trying to protect me but I still don't know why others went along. _The Katniss effect, may be_. "Continue." I tell her

She tells me how everyone assumed that we were dead when our previous hiding place got bombarded. We then moved to underground and Pollux helped us with the way. Then came those horrible mutts, smelling of roses, who were bent on killing her. How one by one we lost most of our squad, trying to escape from the underground pods and those mutts. First Messalla, followed by Jackson, Leeg 1, Castor, Homes and worst of all Finnick.

She chokes while telling me all this and tears brim her eyes. "And I almost lost you too." She whispers with her head down. "You went mad looking at those mutts and I had to kiss you to keep you sane." She says without looking at me. "I told you to stay with me and you said 'Always'."

She looks at me and couple of tears flow down on her cheeks. I want to wipe them off but again something stops me. _Why can't I just reach out and comfort her?_

She quickly composes herself and continues. She tells me how we took refuge at Tigris' shop and made plans to reach Snow's mansion. How Tigris disguised us and we decided to blend into the sea of refugees.

"I knew you were following me and Gale but I couldn't see you." She says.

"I was, for a while, before the rebels came in and all the shooting started. Then I lost you." I tell her. "I guess I took a difference street to reach the city circle."

"The street we were on, got ripped right from the middle and Gale got captured when he tried to enter an apartment." She continues, "I reached the city circle and saw the mansion surrounded by kids. Then a hovercraft appeared and dropped parachutes for the kids and then ..." She halters.

" ... there was an explosion." I finish her sentence. "I ran towards the circle looking for you and then I heard your voice calling Prim." She looks at me almost telling me to continue.

So I do. "I tried to follow your voice but then there was another explosion. I fell down and when I looked up, I saw you right in front ... on fire. Earlier, I had grabbed a blanket from a dead body and had covered myself up to hide recognition. I ran towards you with the only thought of rescuing you from the fiery blaze. I put the blanket over you, but the fire was too much and even I caught it. I felt the burning sensation and I remember trying to roll you on the ground to subside the fire ... but I don't remember much after that. I guess, I lost consciousness. I woke up in the hospital with 3rd degree burns."

"You saved me?" She asks but it seems more like a statement and a question. _With a deeper meaning behind it, perhaps._

"I don't know ... as far as I know, the blanket seemed useless. And even I got burnt ... so I'm not sure how we survived. Rebel Medics, I guess." I reply.

She nods. "I saw you on the day of Snow's assassination with burn marks." Her eyes moves towards my forehead where the scars are still prominent.

"Continue ..." I tell her. I don't want her staring at my ugly scars.

She avoids talking about the Victors' meeting and skips to the assassination. "The day before the assassination, I had met Snow, and he had told me that those parachutes were dropped on Coin's orders. That hovercraft belonged to 13. At first, I didn't believe him and talking with Gale didn't help either. He was suspicious as well but he couldn't clarify anything. Haymitch was no help. Then they got me all dressed up to shoot Snow, but at the last-minute, I just knew, Snow wouldn't lie to me and so I shot Coin."

She pauses, her eyes unfocused as if reliving the memory and then she continues after few seconds. "I had no interest in living anymore and I bent my head to swallow the nightlock pill but I found your hand covering my pocket. I screamed at you to let go of me and you said ..."

"I can't ..." We both say together. We look at each other and hold our gazes.

_Is this why I have come back? Because I can't let her go? Even after everything I have lost, is she the only reason I am here?_ And at that instant, I know ... no matter what ... I just can't let her go ... I never could and I guess, I never will. And it makes me sad and hopeful at the same time.

"Thank you ... I just needed to hear all that." I say at last.

She nods. "Do you want something for your forehead? I might have ..." She says lifting her hand to touch my forehead.

"No." I stop her before she can touch my swelling and grab her hand midway. I hold it for few seconds waiting for her to yank it away from my grasp but she doesn't. I leave it after another couple of seconds.

"I am fine." I say.

"I wanted to come after you last night but Haymitch stopped me." She says. I guess, she knew or at least suspected that I had a fit last night.

"He did the right thing." I never want Katniss to see me like that.

"Was it bad?" She asks.

"Nothing I can't handle." I say nonchalantly.

"Does it happen often?" She asks again.

"No ... not very often." I tell her. I don't want to talk about this, so I change the topic. "Sorry! I took all your time." I say.

"Yes, I was pretty busy rocking in my chair." She says and we both exchange smiles. I look at her, the smile completely transforms her face. She looks so young, innocent and vulnerable. I don't even remember when I've seen her last smiling. And she looks so different from the girl, I had seen two days back. Her hair is combed, her face looks brighter and her eyes has lost that haunted look. A slight blush creeps on her face and she lowers her eyes as if shying away from my gaze. If I stay here another second, I will be tempted to kiss her.

So I stand up and say, "Good Night." and then I leave.

I go to my house and lie down on the couch. I haven't cleaned the bedrooms yet so I'll be spending another night here only. Somehow, I feel calm and relaxed. I mentally pat my back for doing this recap session. This is what I needed. I already knew most of the things Haymitch and Katniss told me but I was glad to hear it again. Somehow, it gave me a feeling of understanding, acceptance, like Dr. Aurelius had suggested and ... a hope, that I am not lost ... that deep inside I still have that old Peeta alive. And he wants to survive, he wants to keep living. I quickly fall asleep, without the aid of painting or baking.

**A/N: So that completes the Recap for Peeta. It was hard to wrap up the three books in two chapters, but hopefully I touched the key points required for this story. ********Please keep reading and reviewing. **

**P.S: I read somewhere, that in the movie 'Mockingjay - part 2', they are going to show that Peeta puts blanket on Katniss to put off fire, and I thought that makes sense**** ... it's not very clear in books, how Katniss survived the fire and also how Peeta got burnt ... so here's my version. **  



	7. Bakery Ruins

Chapter 7 - Bakery Ruins

I am up early the next morning. And I utilize my time to finish up cleaning the house. I also put bread to bake and get ready quickly. Like before, I give few loaves to Thom and his team when I see them going for work.

"We really should pay you for these." He says awkwardly.

"No need ... please, Thom." I wave in refusal.

"But we don't feel right." He says and his team nods in agreement.

"Tell you what ... I am going to visit the Bakery site today, you can give me a hand."

"Sure thing Peeta ... but we are already getting paid for cleaning." He says smiling.

"Well ... just treat this as a bonus." I say pointing to the loaves in his hands.

After they leave, I go to Katniss' house with a warm loaf of bread. _I really should make some cheese buns for her._ Greasy greets me and I sit on the dining table. She is making pancakes. A few minutes later Katniss comes down the stairs in her hunting jacket. And for a change, I am actually rewarded with a small smile from her.

"Going hunting?" Greasy asks her putting pancakes in her plate.

"Yes ... weather seems fine." she replies and starts eating.

"What's your plan, Peeta?" Greasy asks me.

"I am going to the Bakery site. I need to get it cleaned." I say.

Katniss stops eating and looks at me frowning.

"That plot belongs to me ..." I start to explain.

"I'll come with you." She cuts in.

"What? No. You don't have to." I say quickly.

"I want to." She says "... I mean if it's ok with you."

I don't know what to say. _Do I want Katniss with me when I look for the remains of my family members?_

"But you are going hunting." I say to her.

"That can wait." She says and looks almost imploring at me.

"Ok fine." I say and we resume our breakfast.

* * *

As we near the bakery, my steps begin to falter and I feel a lump in my throat. Katniss suddenly grabs my hand and squeezes it. I look at her. She is letting me know that she is here if I need her. I nod and move ahead. It's hard to imagine that there was a two storey building here. What remains is a few feet of the right side wall and a melted chunk of our biggest oven, which is covered in a dirty grime of ash and snow. Everything else is rubble now. Most of the other merchants' area around is in the same state. The cloth shop area of Mr. Winslow has been cleaned, but no new construction has started there. I guess he won't be coming back into this business anytime soon. A few yards away, I look at the shoe shop rubble, which belonged to Delly Cartwright's family. It hasn't been touched, just like mine. I guess, Delly and her brother are still in 13.

I stop at the spot which was previously the front entrance of the bakery. I am afraid to go inside, I am scared what I'll find inside ... _or what I won't. _

"You don't have to do this." Katniss say.

"No, I want to." I reply. There is no use delaying this, so much time has already been lost. I pick up an iron rod lying by and step forward. Slowly, I sift the debris with the rod. The recently melted snow has formed little muddy areas. Most of the rubble contains burnt and broken plaster. I move ahead and my rod hits something shiny. I bend down and picked it up. It's a shiny concave piece, of some kind of utensil. I see some markings on its face and recognition hits me. It's part of the wrestling trophy that belonged to my brother Oscar. It was the first one that he had won and it was very precious to him. I move back, but my artificial leg steps on something cylindrical and I stumble. I look at the object and it's a long bone, probably a femur. My heart sinks and I sit right there on the rubble, the bone staring at my face. Katniss comes and sits down besides me.

I push the bone with my rod under some plaster and out of sight.

"Do you think they ran out of the house, when the firebombs exploded, or they didn't get a chance?" I ask Katniss.

"I don't know." she whispers.

"Delly told me the power got cut off right before the attack." I start talking. "Mom, Oscar and Rick must be in front of TV. And Dad, he would be in kitchen. You know, he never watched my first hunger game. He was expecting me to die on the first day, so he didn't watch. But when I survived that first night, he sort of had this idea that if he didn't watch, I probably will last till the end. Just a superstition I guess, but it worked, I survived."

I remember his face when I came back after winning. _How happy he was?_ I swallow hard and continue. "So I guess, when they shut off the power, they all must have congregated in the dining room upstairs. They must be wondering what happened, then they must have heard the hovercrafts. I don't think they had any idea what was coming." I ramble on, not caring if Katniss is listening to me or not.

"They must have gone out when the first wave of bombs were dropped. Or may be they thought they would be safer in the house. I guess Dad wouldn't have left the bakery, he must be thinking of saving it somehow. Mom must have been looking for any money she could salvage. Rick must have gone out to find what's happening. You think, the hovercrafts dropped the first bombs right near the City Center, or did they start with the Seam?" I wonder.

I imagine the panic that must have swept on the whole district. Almost 90% dead ... all trying to escape the burning inferno, fueled by decades of accumulated coal dust. _Men, Women, Children ... My Parents, My Brothers ..._

"Do you think they died quickly?" I say quietly, heaviness seeping in my heart, "I hope they did, I don't want to imagine them as human torches." Being a burn victim, I know how painful it can be. I feel tears welling up in my eyes. I hear a sob and turn to look at Katniss. Her eyes are brimming with tears as well. She must be thinking about Prim.

"I am so sorry, Peeta." she says slowly.

"And I didn't even say goodbye ... that Thread fellow didn't allow us ... I couldn't say goodbye and they are gone now ... Dad, Mom, Rick, Oscar. I didn't even write them letters to let them know, I loved them ... all of them." And I choke.

I put my hands on my head and start crying. I realize, I haven't really mourned them before. When I was captured and taken to the Capitol, it was such a mayhem that I never got time to digest their deaths. I was ready for my death since my first reaping but I never thought my family would go before me.

Katniss hesitantly puts her arms around me and then just holds me like that. I lean my head on her shoulders and cry my heart out. I am not sure how long we sit like that but I disengage when I hear some footsteps.

Thom has come with two of his friends.

"We are here, Peeta." Thom says.

I look around and I'm totally lost. "I don't know what to do." I say to him helplessly.

"We will take care of it, Peeta." He says sympathetically. "We will sift the rubble and separate the bones and any items we can find. We got two wheelbarrows to collect everything. We can call you when we are done. You can go through them and see if you want something. You can go home ..."

"No, I want to stay and help. I don't want anything ... I just want to bury them." I finish with a shuddering sob.

"OK ... Lets start then."

All day, we go through the rubble and collect the remains. Katniss works alongside without uttering any word. By sunset, we are done with the whole area. I don't even want to know if all my family members are accounted for. _They are gone now ... doesn't matter where they died_. We take the wheelbarrows to the meadow and bury the bones in the pit.

"If you want we can bulldoze the site tomorrow and you can start reconstruction." Thom says, " ... that is if you are interested. The property belongs to you and obviously we won't mind a new bakery around." And he smiles.

"Yeah ... that's a thought. Sure, why not? Thank you, Thom, for all this ..."

"Please, Peeta ... it's no big deal." He says.

After Thom and his friends leave, I sit beside the pit for couple of minutes and say a silent prayer for their souls. I still have the part of Oscar's trophy in my pocket but I don't throw it in the pit.

As we walk home, Katniss says, "I should have made friends with your family, you made with mine."

The thought amuses me. "Yes, but you are not good at making friends and well ... my mom hated you." I chuckle and she frowns.

"Why?"

"Well ... she probably got upset when I told you in the cave that my father liked your mom. I guess, she already knew a little about it, but me announcing it publicly didn't go well with her. And then she realized that I was in love with the daughter of the same girl. It might be a bit hard for her to digest. And you saving me, well I guess she hated owing one to a Seam girl." I say smirking.

But Katniss doesn't find it funny. "I would still have liked to know her ... them, just to remember more, you know." She says.

"Yeah ... to remember them ..." I say more to myself.

When we reach the village, I turn to Katniss and say, "Thank you".

"Anytime" she whispers back.

I quietly turn towards my house and go inside.

**A/N: It's always hard to write sad incidents. But both Peeta and Katniss needs to deal with them. Thanks for the reviews. Please keep them coming.**


	8. Sketches

Chapter 8 - Sketches

I straight away go into my study when I reach home. When I had moved to this house, I had converted this room to my painting studio. While cleaning in the morning, I had kept everything in its place. My easel in the center, my table setup with pencils, brushes, colors and palettes. I have a stack of papers ready to be drawn on. I put a new sheet on the easel and start sketching.

I sketch all through the evening till late night. I do it until I fall asleep on the study floor. I get up next morning and start from where I had left. Around noon, Greasy comes to check on me and asks for lunch but I dismiss her, telling her that I'm not hungry, which is true.

Its evening when I collect all my sketches and go to Katniss' house. She is in her hunting jacket sitting on her couch. I sit beside her and give her the sketches.

"Here ... you wanted to know them better? Look at these." I say to her.

I had sketched my family, all of them, some sketches are individual, some as a group. This is the first time after the war, that I have sketched people. Recently, I had avoided taking people as my drawing subjects. The reason being, I generally ended up sketching deaths ... of tributes, of victors, my family, friends, my District 13 squad members or worse just Katniss. When Dr. Aurelius saw them, he asked me to stop drawing people altogether. But this time, I had consciously sketched my family, staying away from the deaths. Dr. Aurelius would be really proud of me.

Katniss looks at the sketches one by one without any comments. When she has seen them all, she comes to the first one again. It's my dad playing harmonica.

"Your Dad played harmonica?" She asks.

"Yeah ... he tried to. He was very bad at it. Really bad." I chuckle thinking about it and Katniss smiles too.

"When he played, it all sounded like noise to us but he would close his eyes and move his head as if he is in tune with the music. He would never play in front of Mom though, she hated music. But whenever she would go out, he would get this thing out and try to blow melody out of it. I guess he never got over the fact that your Mom chose your Dad because of his musical talent."

"You know, he regularly checked on Prim when we were in arena." Katniss tells me.

"Yes, Prim told me."

"He was a good man." She says sadly.

"Probably the only person who loved me."

"That's not true." I look at her raising an eyebrow. "Haymitch loves you." She says quickly.

"Ok." I say shaking my head. She quickly moves on to the next sketch. It's my brother Oscar with his wrestling trophy.

"Tell me about Oscar." She says.

"Oscar loved wrestling, hated baking. He would go to any length to avoid working in the bakery. He was even ready to work in the coal mines after finishing his school. But thanks to you, I won and then he didn't have to."

"How many times did he win the wrestling thing?"

"Three times, I think. The first time he won, he used to sleep with his trophy."

"He never talked to me."

"He was bit shy with girls. Rick, on the other hand, was a ladies man. Mom's favorite and popular among girls." I say as we move on to the next sketch of my eldest brother Rick. I had drawn him standing beside a table having an assorted collection of objects displayed. Fashion accessories, weird buttons, pens, old peacekeeper batches, photos of buildings, empty food cans ... all from the Capitol.

"Yeah, he talked to me once." Katniss says, "Asked me if I had anything unique from the Capitol that I could spare."

"Rick was fascinated with the Capitol. He used to collect all these knickknacks from Capitol and put it in his 'collection'." I say quoting 'collection' with my fingers. "He had a whole box full of them."

"Really?" Katniss asked surprisingly.

I nod. "That's why he was asking you for something. He asked me as well ... but I didn't have anything except clothes."

"I gave him a ring with Mockingjay symbol ... someone in the Capitol had gifted me after the Victory tour."

"Yeah, I saw it. I was surprised you had given him something so rebellious."

"I was scared to keep it with me." She says shuddering.

"You know he was friends with many peacekeepers. He actually wanted to be one."

"Really? Why?"

"Better life ... a chance to go to Capitol ... "

"He didn't think they were the enemy?" Katniss asks scowling.

"Don't judge him, Katniss." I say reading her thoughts. "Of course, he knew ... but his motto was, if you can't fight them, join them. Wouldn't hurt to have a familiar face among peacekeepers, right?"

"Like Darius?" She asks skeptically.

I sigh. "In Rick's defense, he did change his mind after Darius got hurt and Thread replaced Cray. Things changed for him after that. Let's move on."

The next one is my mother's. She sitting on her desk with accounts books open.

"She was the happiest when she counted money." I say remembering Mom. "The only time we would see her smile is when we would make a little profit in our balance sheet, which itself was rare. She was shrewd with money. She always said if accounts were left to Dad, we would have had to close the bakery years ago."

"Yes, it was hard to barter with her ... we never got a good deal when she was around. Me and Gale always tried to go there and trade when only your father was in."

"Yeah ... but that's how she kept us going. At least she made sure we didn't have to take any tesserae ... " And I shut up there. But Katniss didn't says anything.

We moved on to other sketches. Rick and Oscar playing a game of chess. Mom and Dad working together on cakes, Dad with a bag of cookies on my first reaping and few others. I tell Katniss many things about my family, some happy and some sad memories. And she listens almost enraptured.

"The thing is, Peeta," She says when I am almost done with my stories, "you don't even need these sketches ... your words do all the job. I feel like I know so much about them already." Then she looks at the sketches again. "And these are great ... All I have of Prim, is a photo in the locket you gave me and I want to remember everything about her ..."

"I can sketch her too." I offer.

Katniss looks at me and her face breaks into a smile. "Will you?" She asks me.

"Sure."

"You remember about her?" She asks me hesitantly.

"I can think of a few things." I say.

"Ok."

"Ok, then." I say and start collecting my sketches.

"Can you leave them here? Just for a while ... " She asks.

I frown. _Why?_

"Sure." I say and then take her leave.

**A/N: You know where this is going ... Right? There is so less information about Peeta's family that I had to make up lot of stuff, but it was fun. Your thoughts?  
**


	9. Prim

Chapter 9 - Prim

I work on Prim's sketches the whole next day. Then the following morning, I take them to Katniss. She is sitting on the couch with my family sketches on the center table. She is holding my Dad's sketch, the one with cookies. As I sit beside her, she keeps the sketch on the table and takes Prim's sketches from me. Unlike my family ones, I don't have to explain anything about these.

The first one, is of Prim sitting on my beanbag, with Buttercup in her lap. She is scratching his ears and smiling. I had remembered this scene, it was the first time Prim had visited me after I had moved in the Victor's Village. The second one, is Prim decorating a cake in my kitchen. Here she is squinting with concentration while holding the icing cone in her hand. It was during the time when I was teaching her the basics of frosting. The third one, is her goat Lady licking her face, which was a common sight in the morning when Prim milked her. Prim has her eyes closed tightly as she enjoys the slobbery affection.

The next one, is her hugging Katniss. This was the one after Katniss had returned victorious from the 74th Hunger Games. The sketch shows a mixture of relief and happiness on Prim's face. Then I had drawn the one with Prim and her mother as they treat Gale's back with snow packs. This sketch shows a different side of Prim, a girl who surpasses her age, when it comes to relieving someone from pain.

Then the last one, is Prim in a medical coat. Not the dull grey ones of District 13 but the stark white of the Capitol Doctors. This sketch completely transforms her ... instead of a teenage girl, she looks like an intelligent, mature adult, one whose life depends on treating her patients. This sketch is the only one I have drawn from my imagination. I still remember the last time, I had met Prim. It was just before I was leaving for Capitol to join Katniss' squad. Prim had come to see me to say goodbye and wish me luck. She had told me that she was joining the trainee group of rebel medics. And that one day she hoped to become a doctor.

Little did I know that this sketch would be the one to break Katniss. While she was looking at other sketches, a smile had played on her lips, but when she comes to this one, her face falls. She keeps staring at it and slowly the tears start falling.

"Katniss ..." I start to say but she stops me by showing her hand. She traces her fingers over Prim's face, her eyes, her cheeks, her braid, her uniform. Suddenly, I feel as if I am intruding in a very private moment. I get up and go out of the house._ I shouldn't have drawn that one ... that was a dream which would never come true now._

I leave the village and start walking towards the city center. I go to my bakery site. True to his word, Thom had gotten the site bulldozed to a flat land and ready for reconstruction. The area is cordoned off by a single rope and a small cardboard plaque saying 'Mellarks' is attached to the rope. I move on towards the market area. I try to avoid Mr. Winslow, who is standing in front of the former justice building, but he hollers for me.

When I reach him, he is standing with a man who has Capitol written all over him. He looks like he is in his mid-thirties, but you never know with the Capitol people. His hairs are in spikes and colored purple. He has a matching eye shadow and his clothes are decorated with studded flowers.

"Peeta, come ... meet Mr. Brass Garden ... Mr. Garden, Peeta Mellark."

Mr. Garden shakes his well manicured hand with mine.

"Who doesn't know this young man, Mr. Mayor." He says smiling at me.

"You would be surprised." I reply awkwardly.

"Mr. Garden is an architect and an engineer, he is in charge of rebuilding our district." Mr. Winslow informs me.

"Really?" I say automatically. It's hard to imagine someone who looks like a fashion model for the Capitol, as an engineer.

But he doesn't seem offended. He smiles shaking his head as if he is too used to people judging him. "Sometimes you have to see beyond the outer shell Mr. Mellark."

"I am sorry ... I shouldn't have assumed ..." I start to apologize.

"That's alright. I like my style." He cuts my apology with a smirk.

"Mr. Garden is working on the old school building and the residential blocks. Then he plans to move on to the Justice building and the market area. You can talk to him about the bakery if you want to reconstruct." Mr. Winslow says.

"Yeah ... sure."

I nod occasionally as Mr. Winslow tells me some architectural details about the layout of the market area. I soon take their leave and move towards the market tent. I stop at my track as a little boy of three or four bump into me.

"Be careful Shaun." His mom says from the bench. I look at the woman, who smiles at me. And then I notice the whole scene. She is sitting with her husband who is holding her hand. Her other hand is on her very pregnant belly and she is rubbing it lovingly. Two little boys, Shaun and his brother, I believe, are playing tag near by.

A warm glow spreads over my heart replacing the despair that I was feeling since I had left Katniss' house. A hope kindles inside me ... first time, after a very very long duration, I imagine having a family again. A picture perfect scene materializes in front of me. My kids playing in a park, I am sitting on a bench watching them and beside me holding my hand is ... Katniss. The thought is so ridiculous and far fetched that I shake my head at the foolishness of it. _Still ... some day ... maybe_.

I move on towards my old school, the warmth still glowing strongly inside my heart. The progress of the construction here surprises me. I somehow had thought that the Justice building was the first priority but it seems like the school would be the first thing to finish. The ground floor of the building is almost complete and the workers are working on the first floor. Looking at the upright beams, I guess it will be a four-storey building. The compound wall of the school is also finished and I see some swings and slides stashed in the corner. All I can think is there aren't enough kids in 12 to fill this new school. Now that I think about it, I haven't seen any kids around except for Soni and the two I saw near the market area. But may be, after the school rebuilds, people with kids will return.

I keep walking and somehow find myself in front of the bakery again. I start imagining the design of the bakery ... the kitchen, the display shelves, the counter. May be it won't be a bad idea to get Mr. Garden's help. I walk all afternoon and look at other construction sites. I reach the seam area, and here also the ground work for the residential block is in full swing._ Wasn't it just a week ago, that I had returned and everything had seemed barren?_ And now suddenly everywhere I see this ... rebirth ... it's like life is trying to find its way, right in the middle of a desert. I spend some more time looking around and then at sunset, I turn back towards home.

When I reach the Village I see Greasy and Haymitch outside Katniss' house arguing about something.

"What's wrong?" I ask them.

"Katniss has locked herself in Prim's room. She is not talking to anyone." Greasy informs me, her face full of worry.

"Just leave her be. She'll come around." Haymitch says.

"But she was doing so well these last couple of days ... and she has never locked herself before."

"She used to go into hiding all the time when she came to 13 ... and then in Capitol as well." Haymitch says. "It would take hours to find her ... at least right now we know where she."

"But why ... suddenly?" Greasy insists.

I know why ... but I don't say anything.

"She is not going to kill herself if that's what you are worried about." Haymitch says frustratingly.

"How do you know that?" Greasy snaps at him.

"Because she could have done that a long time ago and she didn't." He answers patiently.

But Greasy doesn't seem convinced.

"Peeta, may be you can talk to her."

I sigh and nod. It's my fault anyways. I go inside the house. The sketches are all gone from the center table. I climb upstairs to reach Prim's room. I knock a couple of times, but I hear no sound from inside.

"Katniss ... "

I again wait for a response but in vain.

"Katniss ... look ... I'm sorry ... " I start but I can't say anything more.

_What am I sorry for? For sketching Prim as a doctor? What can I say to Katniss to make her feel better? That I understand what she is going through ... that I know how it feels to lose a loved one? That things will be alright?_

The despair comes back. I turn and put my back against the door. Then I slide down to sit on the floor. Buttercup comes to my lap from somewhere and I scratch behind his ears absentmindedly.

"I went to see the school today." I tell Katniss through the door ... because frankly I have nothing better to say. "You know, they have already started reconstructing. I think the new school will have four floors. There aren't even that many kids in 12. And they were painting the compound wall. And I saw a couple of slides, a merry-go-round and some swings stashed in a corner. They are probably putting a little play area near the building. We never even imagined having a play area in school, right? Things are changing so much ..."

I hear some moment from inside and then steps coming near the door. I wait for her to open it but instead I hear a rustling sound and then a slight pressure on my back through the door. I smile ... I know Katniss is sitting on the other side of the door with her back pressed against mine. I hear a slight bang as she rests her head on the door. I respond with banging my own on the door.

And then I start telling her about my day. My visit to the city center, meeting Mr. Winslow and the enigmatic Mr. Garden. The plans for the market area. The designs I thought about the bakery. The residential block where the seam was. I even tell her about the family I had seen near the market area. Sometime during my narration, Greasy comes to say good night and leaves.

I continue with my story, telling her all the mundane details I can remember. After what seemed like a long time, I start feeling sleepy. Buttercup is curled beside me, already sleeping.

"I am tired, Katniss ... I need to go and take rest now."

I wait for her to stop me ... I can sleep right here, next to Buttercup, if only she would ask. But she doesn't.

"Good night, Katniss." I say and get up.

I hear a soft "Good night, Peeta" from the room. And then I go home.

**A/N: So the scene between Katniss and Peeta sitting on the either side of the door is inspired by the movie 'Frozen'. Remember **_**'Do you wanna build a snowman?'.**_** I had to use it because it's so emotional and touching and just suits the situation here. Thank you for your continued support. Please keep the reviews coming.**


	10. The Idea

Chapter 10 - The Idea

"Peeta, Peeta" I hear Katniss screaming.

I turn around and there she is, on fire. She is screaming for me to help her. I start running towards her, blanket in my hand. Then I trip over a dead body and start falling ...

And then I wake up.

I am in my bed. My whole body is covered in beads of sweat. I am breathing heavily. I sit up on the bed and rub my eyes. I am trying to get hold of my surroundings, when I hear it again.

"Peeta, Peeta." Katniss is screaming again ... from downstairs.

I jump out of the bed and run towards the stairs. I am half way down when I see her. She is standing in the hall, holding something in her hands. As soon as she sees me, she looks at the floor.

"What's wrong?" I ask stopping in the middle of the staircase.

"Umm ... Nothing." She says still not looking at me.

"Are you alright?" I ask her ... may be she had a nightmare too.

"Yes ... I just wanted to ... tell you something." She says finally looking at me. I watch her closely. Her cheeks are flushing. It's almost as if she is embarrassed by something.

Then I look at myself. I am only in my shorts.

"I will be right down." I say and go back to my bedroom. I pull on some cloths and brush my teeth. I come downstairs and see her sitting on the couch. The center table is littered with papers.

"Do you want tea or coffee?" I ask her going into the kitchen.

"No." She says.

I pour hot water for my tea and pull out some cookies on a tray. Then, I take my tea-cup and tray and sit beside her. The littered papers are my sketches. Katniss' plant book is also there.

"So?" I ask hesitantly. I don't know if she is still upset about Prim's sketches.

"I had an idea ... " She starts. "You remember this plant book?"

"Of-course."

"Remember how we add all the information in this about all the plants, so we never forget."

"yes..." I am not sure where she is going with this.

"well ... I was just thinking that we can do the same thing for Prim ... and others." She says and looks hopefully at me.

"Like put information about Prim so you won't forget?" I ask her. It's hard to imagine that Katniss would forget anything about Prim.

"Yes ... like everything and the sketches. And not just Prim ... your family too." then she pulls out few pages and shows them to me.

In two pages she has written about my family. Everything I had told her when I had shown her the sketches and other things which she already knew. More pages are dedicated to Prim. She had carefully written all the facts, all the little details, all the anecdotes that she found important. It's like a biography. I read a few snippets and a lump forms in my throat.

"When did you write all this?" I ask her.

"Last night, in Prim's room." _Where she had locked herself yesterday._

"This is good." I tell her.

She smiles, "It made me feel good too. And we can add more things about your family. We can make another book, like this one." She says.

"To preserve the memories."

"Yes ... something like that."

I look at her. She seems serious about this and excited too. And I have never seen her getting excited about anything. May be this will help her. Like Dr. Aurelius would say, help her to accept, help her to come out of her shell.

"We can add about Cinna, Finnick, Rue, Boggs ..." she says.

I nod and can't help increasing her list "Mags, Wiress, Morphlings ... " I suggest. And she nods vigorously.

I guess, this will be a good thing to do. To remember people who died to help us survive. And others like my family, who were unnecessary casualties of the war. We can honor their deaths ... and there are so many of them.

"We will need lots and lots of paper." I say.

"yes ... " she says, "I will ask Dr. Aurelius to send the paper."

"What do you want to write about them?"

"Mainly things we know, but if we can find more information, some facts may be ... that would be great."

"We will need Haymitch's help."

"Right ... Lets go to Haymitch." She says enthusiastically. And she starts collecting all the papers from the table. I couldn't help but smile at her enthusiasm.

We almost run to Haymitch's house. As usual he is slumped on the couch. Katniss lifts the jug of water, but I stop her.

"We need him in a good mood." I tell her. She nods and keeps the jug down.

I wake him up by shaking him vigorously. He wakes up rubbing his eyes and sees both of us. "What do you lovebirds want?" He asks groggily. I ignore the taunt and sit beside him.

"Katniss has this amazing idea about a book." I start.

"You are writing a book, Sweetheart?" He asks yawning.

"Not for publishing." Katniss says as she sits in front. "Look at these." She gives Haymitch my sketches. We tell him about the book as he goes over the sketches and the content that Katniss has written. Then we ask him for his help.

"No way ... nah nah." He says carefully putting papers on the table as if they are going to explode. "I don't want any part of this. I am not the one to raise the dead. I say let them rest in peace, forget about them and move on."

"You are the one to talk." I say feeling annoyed. "You haven't forgotten and you haven't moved on ... not in last 25 years." Then I pick up the liquor bottle. "You think you can forget about them by drinking? This is your definition of moving on?" I ask him.

"Hey ... be careful with that." He grabs the bottle from me. "At least I don't lock myself up and weep." He says looking at Katniss.

"No ... you drown yourself in this and think you are invisible." Katniss snaps.

"Where are you getting liquor from, anyway?" I ask him. I hadn't seen anyone selling these in the market.

He mumbles something. "What's that?" I ask.

"Effie sends me. But she is very strict about the amount ... so I have to ration it." He tells me.

"Effie ... really?" It's hard to imagine Effie encouraging Haymitch to drink.

"She knows I can't do without it ... so ... and anyways I won't have time for your stupid book. I am going to do geese farming soon."

Both me and Katniss look at him with our mouths open. I wait for it ... anytime now he is going to say 'just kidding'. But he doesn't.

"Geese farming?" I ask eventually. "Do you even know anything about farming poultry?"

"My great-grand father used to do it." He says as if that cleared the matter.

"Yes and that talent is something genetically transferred, I am sure." I say smirking.

He looks at me frowning.

"Come on, Peeta. He will come around." Katniss says and gets up.

"Ask Effie ... she can get you all the data you want." He grumbles as we leave.

We reach Katniss' house and start arranging things for our big project. Katniss calls Dr. Aurelius and tells him about her idea. He promises to send boxes of papers from the next train. She also calls Effie and after a lot of one way conversation, gets Effie to send us the relevant information.

"Hows Effie?" I ask as Katniss comes back and sits beside me.

"Just the same. Eager to please. Offered me to plan the whole project." She says smiling.

"What is she doing now a days?"

"Working for the national TV. Something about scheduling programs."

"She will excel in that."

"yeah ... if she doesn't kill them by nagging over each second, that goes unplanned." Katniss says fondly.

"May be we should call Plutarch or someone from District 13 ... I mean we do need information on Boggs, Jackson, Castor ..." I say after a while.

She frowns. "May be ... I mean we can talk to Cressida or Pollux."

"Umm ... Pollux can't talk." I say trying not to smile.

She looks at me angrily. "Yes ... but he can listen ... and still help us."

"Okay."

But then she smiles. "I don't really want to talk to Plutarch."

"I can do it." I offer.

She nods. "Lets start with Prim and your family first." She says turning towards the papers in front.

**A/N: I know the story was going a bit slow ... I mean I was taking one day at a time. But I felt, those first few days will be hard for Peeta and he needed to sort of settle in his new life. So I went into some specifics. Also, I was trying to set up a routine for Peeta and Katniss. Hopefully, it will move a little bit faster now. Thank you for sticking with me. **


	11. Crazy Cat

Chapter 11 - Crazy Cat

It's been almost two weeks since we are working on the book. I have to admit, I was a bit skeptical about it first. I was afraid it was going to open a whole box of hurt, misery and trouble. But as we started completing bios one by one, it really helped. It seemed like a better goodbye, a better closure.

We had started with Prim, then my family, then Cinna. We also added Portia and my prep team, who had gotten executed after my rescue. Then we decided to move on to the tributes of 74th Hunger games. Rue, Thresh, Foxface, even Cato, Clove, Glimmer and Marvel. True to her words, Effie keeps sending us all the information she can collect. She had contacted the escorts of all the districts who are alive and they are providing her the required data. It's a slow process but we are getting there.

The book is not the only thing in my agenda. I am working on rebuilding my bakery as well. I have employed Mr. Garden and we are designing the whole thing from scratch. I usually spend my mornings in the Market area overlooking the construction. Katniss goes and hunts during the morning. Then after lunch, we both sit together and work on the book. Although Haymitch has refused to help us with the book, it hasn't stopped him from occasionally visiting us and giving his expert comments on the project.

We generally take dinner together and then continue working for late hours. We do it till we are so tired, that we can't keep our eyes open. I have to accept grudgingly, that Katniss has more stamina than me. I tire more than her, and I am usually the one to stop working first. Then I go home and sleep. I keep hoping that one day she will ask me to stay for the night, but till now she hasn't.

This Sunday afternoon, I am working on the portrait of Glimmer. I am drawing her as she looked during her tribute interview, beautiful and sexy. Katniss is sitting beside me reading about her.

"You know Glimmer has a little sister?" She asks me.

"No" I say.

"Prim's age ... she is studying in school."

"Hmm."

"How she must hate me."

I look at her. This is not the first time she has felt this way.

"Katniss ..." I start, but just then Greasy comes with Soni to the living room.

"She wants to draw too." Greasy says to me.

"Sure ... come sit beside me, Soni." I pat at the couch near me. I give her a sheet, a couple of pencils and an eraser. I look at Katniss, but she is back to reading the material.

After about 10 minutes, Soni shows me her drawing. She has drawn a cat, mostly Buttercup, playing with a ball. The ball is up in the air, and Buttercup is trying to grab it. For a seven-year old, it's not bad at all.

"That's beautiful, Soni. Is that Buttercup?" I ask her. As if on cue, Buttercup strolls near my leg.

Soni nods. Then she points at Buttercup and says, "Crazy Cat".

I smile at her. She says weird things sometimes. "Yes ... he is one old crazy cat." I say and pick Buttercup up on my lap.

I look at Katniss smiling but immediately I know something is wrong. Her face is drained of all the blood, and she is looking at me with fear.

"Katniss, you ok?" I ask her.

She doesn't respond. It's like she has gone into some shock. I gently touch her hand. Suddenly, she shakes her head as if to come out of some reverie. Then she gets up and walks out of the door. I put Buttercup down and follow her outside. She is sitting on the outer stairs. I go and sit beside her.

"That was me ... the Crazy Cat" she says without prompting.

"What?"

"When they were bombing 13, we were underground and we played this game with Buttercup. I used to turn on the flashlight and he chased it. He was happy when he caught it and when I turned it off ... well, he got upset at first but was fine after a while. What really drove him crazy was when I kept the light just out of his reach. And that was me, the cat ... with you being the light. What they were doing was dangling you in front of me ... keeping my hopes alive that you are breathing and at the same time breaking me by torturing you."

She looks at me, her eyes full of tears.

"You understand what I am saying ... "

"Yeah ... " I had felt the same way sometimes, when I was captured. I knew Katniss was alive, and it was driving me crazy to know that she was so out of reach. And now I understand what Soni had drawn. That was not a ball, but the flashlight beam.

"And after I realized that, I couldn't do anything ... " Katniss continues, "No propos, no hunting, nothing. They broke me. And even after I got you back ... I didn't actually get you back. In a way, they had already taken you away from me."

Then she puts her head down on her knees.

"I am here now ... still breathing and somewhat back to normal." I say.

She looks up at me tears trickling down her face. But she gives a small smile. "Yes ... against all odds you are still here."

"We do beat the odds together ... again and again." I say trying to cheer her up. But it doesn't work. She gets more upset.

"Don't you just hate me, Peeta? Don't you blame me for the deaths of your family and friends? You said that to Delly ... " I know she is talking about the time when I was highjacked and blamed her for all the deaths.

"Come on Katniss ... I was hijacked ... my memories were altered ... "

"Doesn't make it any less true ..."

"Stop it ... okay. You know why I think they bombed 12?"

"To teach me a lesson?"

"Partly that ... but partly, because they could afford to do it."

Katniss looks at me frowning.

"They could bomb District 12 Because they really didn't need it's resources. District 12 was their least profitable district. They already had their power supplies from 5. They didn't have much to lose and they could set an example for other rebel districts ... like they did with 13 during the first rebellion. Just think, if instead of you, there had been a Victor from District 2, would they have bombed it? Or district 3, or even 11? No ... they needed all those districts much more than they needed 12. If they really wanted anything from 12, they wouldn't have turned it to ashes. Snow was ready to take this calculated step ... he was ready since the time he came to see you before Victory tour. Your involvement wouldn't have mattered ... if the rebellion was on, 12 would be the first target."

She looks at me trying to digest my words. I know she is looking for something to lessen her guilt, and I can only hope that what I am saying make some sense to her. But she shakes her head.

"I don't know, Peeta. Sometimes I feel, I should have just eaten those berries ..."

"And eating those berries would have made everything alright?" I ask cutting her. "Would that have ensured Prim's survival? Saved her from future reapings? Who would have been there to volunteer for her then?"

"Well the odds of her getting reaped again ... "

"Don't talk to me about odds. We got reaped again. And Prim ... didn't she have like one slip ... one slip in thousands. Talk about probability ..." Katniss is still looking at me, a tear glistens on her face. I wipe it slowly with my thumb.

"Don't you understand what you have given to everyone?" I continue, "A future free of Hunger Games, a future free of people like Snow and Coin. And if we don't capitalize on this ... then all of them have died for nothing. Then Prim, Cinna, Finnick ... all their deaths are in vain. Trust me, your eating berries wouldn't have solved anything."

She nods slowly, "I just miss Prim so much." She whispers.

"I know ... but if you think about it, she is here ... see that."

I show her a newly blossomed red primrose. I gently take her hand in mine and make her stand. Then I take her near the bushes and we both sit there on the ground.

"You see, Prim is everywhere ... in these flowers, in Buttercup's protective eyes, in Soni's sweet face, in the frostings of my cakes, in the pages of that book and in your smile."

Katniss smiles ... it's one of those rare ones that completely brightens the surroundings. Then she suddenly hugs me tightly. I hide my shock and slowly put a hand on her back.

"If we are not living this life that they have given us, we are letting them down." I say rubbing her back gently. " We have to make this count ... right?"

She buries her face in my neck and her breath sends shivers inside me.

"I am so glad you came back." She whispers after a while.

"Not coming was never an option." I whisper back.

**A/N: I just thought Peeta needed to know about the Crazy Cat. And I wanted to show, how Peeta slowly plays a part in encouraging Katniss to live on. Like Katniss said ... that's what she needed to survive. **


	12. Reality Check

Chapter 12 - Reality Check

"I don't remember her face." I say in frustration.

Katniss looks up from her paper frowning.

"Well ... it was like a fox."

"That's not helpful at all."

She grins. "Ok ... she had red hairs, amber eyes, sharp nose and she had this sly grin, that made her sort of distrustful."

I nod and start to sketch again. This happens to me sometimes. I know the person but just can't place the face with the name. It happened with Ariel, District 4 career girl. And now with District 5 tribute Finch, who Katniss had nicknamed Foxface. It was easier with Ariel as we had a small picture of her. But we don't have any pictures for Foxface. Effie had told us that District 5 escort is dead, but she is trying to get information from Capitol records. Of course, Capitol workers now have more important jobs than to dig out records for previous dead tributes.

Katniss knows I am struggling with the sketch so she tries to describe more. It's strange that I can't remember Foxface's face since she was the only kill attributed to me in my first games but then again there is no pattern of what my mind can or cannot remember. Slowly the face does come into a clear focus. It takes many attempts to get the sketch to Katniss' satisfaction.

While Katniss scrutinizes my artwork, I read about Foxface. It's clear that Katniss had a grudging respect for the District 5 girl. If she hadn't trusted me blindly about my selection of berries, she just might have won ... or may be not.

By the time we have attached the sketch and the bio in the book, it's 10 p.m. at night. It's still early for us to say good night.

"Do you want to start on a new bio?" I ask her.

"No ... not tonight." She replies. She puts the book and the remaining papers aside.

"Ok ... then I should get going ..."

"Do you want to watch some television?" She asks looking the wall clock. I smile. Like me, she also doesn't know what she would do with the few hours it will take for sleep to come by.

"Sure." I say and sit back relaxing. Katniss picks up the remote and curls up at the other end of the sofa. We generally don't watch much television. Only when Haymitch comes to 'keep an eye on us', he turns it on. As Katniss presses the power button, we are greeted with the stern face of none other than President Paylor. She is standing on a podium and speaking about some important reforms. It's not a live coverage since she is standing in broad daylight.

"This is District 2." Katniss says after a couple of minutes and leans forward to watch closely.

I guess, Katniss knows the place well ... she had been there during the rebellion, had even been shot right in front of that podium. I have been there only once during my victory tour. I don't remember the place much. But it does make me think about Cato and Clove again. It's been hardly a week since we had finished their bios.

While I mull over the deaths of the Careers, who trusted me and allowed me to join their group, Katniss keeps her concentration on the screen. I wonder what's so interesting about the reform that has caught Katniss' attention. She hardly shows any interest in reforms of 12. I turn my attention to the President's words.

"And now to give the outline for our new Peacekeeping Centers and their working rules, I invite District 2's very first Peacekeeping Liaison Officer, Capt. Gale Hawthorne." President Paylor says.

My eyes go wide with shock and I look at Katniss. Her face shows a shock too. She doesn't look at me but instinctively shifts more in front on her couch. She increases the volume.

I suddenly feel cheated, which I know is totally ridiculous. There's no way Katniss could have known that Gale would be on television ... _could she? _I know that Gale had some high-profile job in 2 and he is often seen on screen but ..._ Is it just a coincidence that he comes on television the same time Katniss suggests that we watch it? Was she hoping for this to happen? Is that why she was listening to Paylor, concentrating on the screen ... on an off-chance that she might see Gale?_ Well she certainly got her wish fulfilled.

As Gale starts speaking about the new plans for the Peacekeeping Centers, I watch Katniss closely. Her eyes are glued to the screen hanging on to Gale. I am not sure if she is listening to him or just watching him but she is hooked. I look back at Gale. He stands there ... tall, confident, handsome, without any burn scars to mar his good-looking features. He was always popular among girls but Katniss was the only one who had a hold on his heart ... I assume, she still does ... just like she has on mine.

I never stood a chance ... _if I hadn't been in the Hunger Games with her, if we didn't have to play on the star-crossed lover story, if Prim hadn't died ..._

I look at her again. She is still watching the screen drinking him in. A memory flashes in my mind ... a conversation ...

_["And did you love me?" ... "Everyone says I did. Everyone says that's why Snow had you tortured. To break me."]_

But the fact is, everyone didn't know. They didn't know that Katniss didn't love me ... she never did. They tortured me for nothing. And I still don't stand a chance. I start breathing harder. And I feel it again. The electric shock in my brain, dilating my pupils ... _oh no ... it's coming_.

I know I should leave, but I can't seem to move my legs. Blackness surrounds my body. I scream and put my hands on my head pulling my hair. Images come flashing by. I look up at the television screen but it's all black. Katniss must have turned it off. And now she is looking at me, terrified.

_Good! she should be afraid. _I flex my hands hatred welling inside me. Somewhere in the back of mind a voice comes reminding me of 'Crazy Cat', of the time when torturing me did break her. But the hijacked part of my mind completely overrides the sensible part.

"Peeta", she whispers.

She is scared ... she knows I am going to hurt her but she is not running away. And images are still flashing by. This time, they are the ones where I am getting tortured. And not just me, Johanna, Lavinia, Darius ... even Annie. I need to turn them off. I see scissors on the table and grab it. Katniss moves a bit away but I haven't picked them to hurt her. I put my left hand on the table and plunge the scissors on the backside forcefully.

"No, Peeta!" Katniss screams.

Blood spurts out from my hand as I pull the scissors out. The pain slows down the flashbacks but it's not enough. I raise my hand to stab again but Katniss grabs my attacking hand with both her hands.

"Peeta, Stop!" she pleads. But I can't. I take my injured hand and pry her fingers open. She is no match for my strength. I release her one hand easily and as I start on the other, her free hand grabs my bloody hand. And then, I feel her lips on mine.

A shock registers and images slow down. I look at her as she presses hard on my lips with her eyes closed. My hand relaxes and the scissors drop. I also close my eyes and try to concentrate on the feel her lips. It's certainly better than to bang my head or stab my hand. My breathing slows down. She keeps holding my hands tightly. After few seconds, the images stop and I open my eyes. Katniss watches me and breaks the kiss.

Both our hands are smeared with blood. She pulls me up as she stands and takes me to the kitchen sink. We wash our hands quietly till most of the blood flows out. Then she takes me back on the couch.

There's a big ugly gash. "I'll get bandages." She chokes and goes back to kitchen.

I look at the bloody mess on the table and floor ... and I start to hate myself.

**A/N: So the Reality Check is for Peeta who thought he had things under control. More on Peacekeeping Centers and Liaison Officers later. Please keep those reviews coming ... they keep me going. **

**On the note, that Foxface was Peeta's only kill in his first hunger game, some may say that he killed District 8 girl as well. But I don't think so. If you want to know what's my take on that death is, please read my other fanfic 'The Hunger Games Trilogy : One-Shot Stories'. Would love to know your thoughts. Also, I think I read on Hunger Games Wiki that Foxface's name was 'Finch' in the movie.  
**


	13. Afterwards

**A/N: Sorry for a late update. I had been out on vacation. I wanted to post this before leaving but couldn't get around to do it. Hope you enjoy this. **

Chapter 13 - Afterwards

Katniss cleans up my wound with spirit. Then she puts on the bandages. Her hands shake as she finishes and I see tears flowing from her eyes.

"Katniss, Please." I start.

"It's all my fault. I am so sorry." She whispers.

"What?" I can't believe her. "I could have killed you and you are apologizing to me?"

"They did this to you because of me."

"Stop ... ok ... you have to stop blaming yourself every time anything goes wrong. I am sorry you had to see this. I thought I was doing better, I thought I was in control ... but I guess I need to work more on this." Suddenly, I am afraid that she will withdraw from me ... again. "Just don't give up on me." I say desperately.

"Of course not ... Peeta." She shakes her head. "I just hate to see you like this ... it upsets me." I know it does more than just 'upset' her. She is angry.

"Katniss ... you can't get upset about what's not in your control. And I am fine now." I say trying to calm her down.

She shoves my injured hand on my face. "This is fine?" she asks angrily. I am taken aback by her fury. Her face immediately softens at my reaction. "You are in pain ... how can you be fine?" She says softly.

"This is nothing compared to the actual tracker-jacker venom inside." I reply. "The terror of it, the hallucinations, fighting with my deepest fears every minute of the day, not knowing what's real, what's not. Hell, I would take stabbing any time." I chuckle trying to lighten the mood.

Katniss frowns. "Don't say that Peeta ... I will hate myself more."

"Come on Katniss ... just don't do this to yourself. You know how bad I feel after these flashbacks? You have no idea how much Dr. Aurelius has worked on me to cure these fits. And before him the doctors of District 13. And every time this happens, it's like their efforts have gone down the drain. That I have let them down."

"No you haven't. You are doing so good. You have come such a long way from your hijacked version." She smiles, "May be you should talk to Dr. Aurelius."

"I will, but I know what he will say. He will ask me to leave 12 and come back to Capitol." Katniss widens her eyes. "I am not going to go. I just have to accept this for what it is. Another side effect of the war."

She nods. We sit quietly for a while. She is deep in some thought. She is still holding my injured hand rubbing it unconsciously. "You were always against the war, weren't you?" she asks hesitantly.

"I fought with you in the Capitol, didn't I?" She looks at me frowning. "But you are right." I continue. "I am against the war in general. But you see, you cannot always get everything peacefully. This rebellion was necessary ... may be there was another way to do it, may be we could have avoided flowing so much blood. I don't know ... and I can't know. Sometimes we have to make tough decisions. We weigh in our actions and their repercussions and we make our choices. Sometimes we gain from it, sometimes we learn from it. And sometimes we just have to bear with it and make the best of it."

"How can you not be angry about all this Peeta, how can you just forgive and forget?" She asks incredulously.

"Anger, hatred, revenge ... they never achieve anything. _An eye for an eye, will leave the whole world blind._ It's a very old quote, but there is so much truth in it. And we just don't seem to learn from our past. That's how our ancestors ruined our planet. That's why the human population dwindled."

"You must have hated me when I voted yes for the Hunger Games for Capitol children." She says not meeting my eyes. She removes her hand from mine and shifts a little away.

"I didn't like it. But I guess, at some level, I understood your decision, you were hurting because of Prim. And I never hated you for that vote. I could never hate you. Even when they programmed me to do that. Some sensible part of my mind always fought that feeling ... it still does when the flashbacks come along." She stares at me, trying to gauge the truth in my statement. "I am not saying that sensible part wins all the time but it still fights." I say sheepishly.

"You are too good for this world, Peeta." She says quietly.

I snort. "Being good doesn't always help. People like me don't make any difference."

"That's not true ... you made a difference in my life ... way back when I was hungry ... you gave me hope. And you still keep doing that." She looks at me and there is such admiration in her eyes that it makes me uncomfortable.

"What about you, Katniss?" I say trying to put the focus away from me. "Do you know how many people got hope from you? You stirred up the revolution. You gave others an opportunity to fight for themselves. You made a difference."

"Gale used to say the same thing ..." She says and then suddenly puts her hands on her mouth. She looks at me cautiously, as if uttering Gale's name would trigger another attack.

I smile sadly. "Gale was right." I say. "And now it's time to let go of all this resentment ... and try to build a better future. And that's what I am hoping to do, make something better, worth living for. Like my bakery, like this book, like you and me."

We stare at each other for a while and then she looks down with a shy smile.

"I feel exhausted after these fits. I should go home." I say trying to get up.

But Katniss beats me to it. She stands up quickly. "I will get you some hot chocolate. It will help. Just two minutes."

I grab her hand as she tries to move away.

"So Katniss ... are you going to kiss me only when I get a seizure?" I ask.

She looks surprised by my question. I am too, for being so bold suddenly. But I just wait for her answer. "No." She says finally, a smile playing on her lips. Then she bends and gives a little peck on my lips. I leave her hand and she goes into the kitchen.

I lean on the sofa and close my eyes smirking.

* * *

When I open my eyes, everything is dark around. It takes me a few of seconds to get my bearings. I am in Katniss' house, sprawled on her sofa. I must have fallen asleep after talking to her. I look around and see her sitting on the floor leaning on the sofa. She is asleep too. Her head is on the sofa near my chest and her hands are resting on my injured left hand. I gently turn sideways. I move my right hand and wrap it around her waist. Then I pull her up beside me.

"Peeta", she mumbles sleepily.

"Shh ... Go back to sleep." I tell her and we both go back into slumber again.

**A/N: The scene in the this chapter and the previous one was the first thing I had thought when writing this fiction. Sorry for getting a bit philosophical up there. Waiting for you feedback. Thanks all.**


	14. To Stay or Not to Stay

Chapter 14 - To Stay or Not to Stay

"Uhem ... uhem"

Someone clears the throat. I am having too peaceful a sleep to care much, so I ignore the sound.

"Uhem ... uhem" this time more forcefully.

Something shifts around me and I am suddenly left cold. I murmur in irritation.

"Morning Greasy!" I hear Katniss' voice.

_What are Greasy and Katniss doing in my bedroom?_

I open my eyes slightly and see a television screen in front. _I don't have television in my bedroom._ And then it all comes crashing in my mind. My seizure, my stabbing, Katniss bandaging me and ... a faint memory of pulling Katniss by my side. My eyes fly open and I jump up from the couch. Greasy is standing near by frowning. Katniss is awkwardly looking down with crimson cheeks.

"Oh wow! ... it's morning." I say smiling.

"What happened to your hand?" Greasy asks.

"Oh yeah ... " I look at the table and the floor. No sign of any blood. Katniss must have cleaned the mess after I had fallen asleep. "I accidentally cut it last night ... in my kitchen." I continue. "I came here to get it cleaned up and bandaged."

"I gave him some strong pain killers to numb the pain and he got knocked out on the couch." Katniss says helpfully. We look at each other and then quickly turn to Greasy. I, with my poker face and Katniss still blushing red. I don't know why we are lying to Greasy ... it's not like we are answerable to her. But she seems like a mother figure and the look she is giving us ... it's like we are some naughty kids who are caught red-handed.

"Hmm ..." She says and goes in the kitchen. I know she doesn't believe us. We stand there awkwardly for few seconds not even looking at each other.

"I should go ..." I mumble and walk out of the door.

All through the day I think about last night. I try to occupy my mind with other things ... I visit my bakery and I visit Haymitch. He immediately knows something is wrong. My bandaged hand piques his curiosity. He asks me about the wound and I give him the same story as we gave to Greasy. He tries to extract more information but I brush him off.

It's kind of overwhelming when I recap the events of last night in my mind. But one thing I have to accept against all the reasoning. I slept like a log with Katniss in my arms. And that is something I am craving for again. Still, I am apprehensive about today's book session. I am two minds. To go or not to go. To have the awkward talk or to avoid it as if nothing has happened. I guess, when I think about it, it's really not a big deal. Me and Katniss have spent nights together before, in the train. Haymitch knows about them. But never in 12 ... never in her house.

_What has changed? Why is it suddenly so awkward? Is it just the change of place or is it more about change of situation? I know I will have all the answers if I dwell deep inside but I don't want to._

When the time comes, I automatically find myself in front of Katniss' house. I open the door and walk inside. She is sitting on the couch going through Effie's papers. I come and sit beside her.

"Wayne ... District 3 boy who reconfigured the land mines around the Careers' stock." She says showing me couple of papers. I guess she doesn't want to talk about yesterday which is fine by me.

"We already have his good picture ... so you can skip his sketch." She says handing me a postcard size colored photo of the boy. "I am going to write about him now."

"Who's left from the games?" I ask her.

"Just District 3 and 8. I got the District 8 tributes' information in the morning. We have only the boy's picture. So you will have to work on the girl's sketch. You remember her."

"Vividly ..." I say. She nods.

"I didn't kill her." I say after few seconds.

She looks at me frowning. "I know Peeta ... we saw the recap of the games with Ceaser. Although, I came very close to killing her myself." She says shaking her head.

I start sketching the girl. Her deathly pale face is not easy to forget. I still get nightmares remembering the last minutes I had spent with her ... hoping that she dies soon. I decide to draw her the way the Careers had found her. Sleeping at the base of the tree, with a dying fire near her foot.

Me and Katniss work quietly all evening and through the night. We eat dinner without uttering a single word and then continue working afterwards. It's midnight when I feel I have done enough.

"I should go." I say.

"Stay." Katniss says without looking at me. I frown. I don't know if she means stay for the night or stay for few more hours.

"I am tired."

"Then sleep here."

"I can't." I say instinctively.

She finally looks at me with a piercing stare.

"Why not?"

"You know why not ... it's not safe."

"What?"

"I may hurt you ... I could have killed you last night."

She takes my injured hand in hers, "You will hurt yourself before you can hurt me." She says showing me the bandages.

"I am still not in control ... you can't trust me."

"You told me yesterday not to give up on you. And I won't ... and the first step is trust. I trust you with my life."

I shake my head. It's strange that I wanted to do this for so long but now that she is actually asking for it, I find myself refusing her. My heart and my head are undergoing severe conflict. Eventually my head wins over.

"I can't." I say again and get up. But she doesn't leave my hand.

"Please ..." She whispers looking at the floor. "I didn't get any nightmares last night."

I sit down again and take her face in my hands. I make her look at me. The pleading in her eyes almost makes me change my mind. "I am sorry." I say trying to be the sensible one. "It's just too risky ... if anything happened to you ... I could never ..." A lump forms in my throat. "Please, try to understand."

She nods at last and let go of my hand.

* * *

I twist and turn in my bed. Sleep evades me ... or may be I am just scared to go to sleep. At 2 a.m., I get up and go to my window. I can see Katniss' bedroom window from here. The lights are on in her bedroom. I guess sleep has evaded her as well.

I go to my kitchen and start working on cheese buns. Katniss finished my last batch two days ago. In an hour or so, I have my new batch ready. I go out and look at Katniss' window again. The lights are still on. I decide to visit her. I am feeling hungry with the smell of freshly baked goods ... may be she would like to have some as well.

I take the buns and slowly open her door. The hall is dark, only light is in Katniss' bedroom upstairs.

"Katniss?" I call. No response.

I put the buns on the kitchen table and go upstairs quietly. I peek inside her bedroom. She is sleeping with lights on. I walk down back in the hall. My eyes slowly adjust to darkness and I see the book is open. I hadn't read the District 8 tributes' bios. I turn on the hall light and sit on the couch. Rue's page is open. I look at my sketch of Rue ... she is standing on her toes, arms spread outwards, like she is ready for flying. Katniss was very particular about how she wanted this sketch to look. She cried when she saw this, almost ruining it with her tears.

I am engrossed in the book when I hear it. The terrified scream from her bedroom. I run upstairs and see her thrashing in her bed.

I quickly reach her and envelop her in my arms.

"Shh shh ... Katniss wake up ... it's only a dream." I say holding her tightly to stop her flying arms.

"The mutts ... Prim was a mutt. Finnick and Rue ... they all wanted to kill me." She says grabbing my arm. Her eyes are full of fear.

"It's OK ... just a dream ... I am here." I say rubbing her back. She is breathing hard. Tears start falling from her eyes.

"And you left me ... " She chokes. "Just like all of them. Prim, Dad, Gale, Mom ... and you ... all left me."

"Katniss ... please calm down." I say rocking her.

"And you said you will stay with me always ... and you left me ... you left me alone with my nightmares." She is hysterical now. "You promised to protect me ... you promised." She says hitting me on my chest.

"I am sorry. I am here ... I will stay." I say tightening my arms around her. "Stop crying ... please." Tears well up in my eyes as well. I have never seen her like this. She seems so broken ... so weak and helpless ... its heart-breaking and it fills me up with guilt.

"You will stay?" She asks after a few seconds, still sobbing.

"I will stay."

"Always?"

"Always."

It takes me another 15 minutes to calm her down. Rocking, rubbing, talking, cajoling ... slowly she goes back to sleep clutching my t-shirt tightly.

I keep awake ... holding her in my arms. I don't want to sleep here. I don't want Greasy to find me here in Katniss' bed ... not today. At 6 in the morning, I slightly kiss Katniss on the forehead. She opens her eyes. Thankfully, she is not shocked to see me.

"I am going now ..."

"You didn't sleep?"

"No ... " I get out of the bed. "I will drop by later."

She nods. "Thanks, Peeta." She mumbles.

"Anytime."

**A/N: Firstly, About the District 8 girl's death. I already have an explanation of that in my other fic 'The Hunger Games Trilogy : One-Shot Stories'.  
**

**And secondly, I would like to give a big round of applause to all my reviewers. Your kind words and encouragement keeps me going. Thank you all again. A special shout-out to 'Katarzyna88gb', 'PKAlways', 'Emilee Amethyst', 'DANIELA123', 'TobiasEverdeenJackson22456' (Nice Pen-name : a Divergent, Hunger Games and Percy Jackson fan ... all in one), 'lhaine07', 'lizzieb71', 'CatnipNapper', 'ninaluvsathena', 'cayt326', 'autumn3marie', 'TLWtlw', 'Suze18', 'yellowbeanie', 'bmile101', 'joseangelMellark', Amy, Trude, Nicole, Lolly and ZevieFan. Thanks to all, who have Favorited or are Following this Fic. I hope it's keeping you all entertained.**


	15. The Arrangement

Chapter 15 - The Arrangement

I spend all day sleeping in my bed trying to cover up for my sleepless night. I wake up when someone shakes me. I open my eyes and find Katniss sitting on my bed, a steaming cup in her hand. I look outside and it seems late afternoon.

"I owed you a hot chocolate." She says handing me the cup. "And thanks for the cheese buns."

"Not a problem ..." I take a sip from the cup. The creamy sweetness feels delicious. "This is great ... Thanks."

"Not a problem ..." She says smiling.

"I wanted to apologize for last night." She says after a while.

"Why?"

"I feel like I blackmailed you into sleeping with me."

I snigger and spurt up a little hot chocolate. She also chuckles. "Sorry ... that came out wrong."

"No its fine ... " I say wiping myself. "Don't feel that way."

"It's just that I had such a peaceful night on that sofa that I ... but I know, I shouldn't have asked you. It was not fair of me to presume ... and then the emotional blackmail ... it wasn't intentional, I swear ... but that was just wrong. I am sorry." She says without taking a breath.

"Don't be ..."

"And I hate being like that ... so pathetic and weak ..." She continues.

"No Katniss ... we all have our days of break-downs. Doesn't make us pathetic or weak ... just makes us realize we are only humans. And we just have to buckle up and make sure we keep fighting these depressing moments."

"It's so hard to fight ..."

"I know ... but these are the moments that show us our strengths. And you are not weak, Katniss ... you are stronger than you think. You have always been ... since the time you took in charge of your family. At the age of 11. And then the two hunger games and the rebellion. You are nothing but strong Katniss .. you are a fighter, a survivor.

She snorts, "Some fighter ... I can't even fight my nightmares without keeping the lights on and ... " she waves her hand towards me and then looks down with embarrassment.

"Well to be honest, even I had a peaceful night ... with you on that sofa." I say smiling.

"Really?" She asks and I nod. "Then what's the problem? Why can't we just ... you know?" She asks again folding her hands and frowning at me.

I look at her shaking my head. It doesn't matter that she lead the whole country into rebellion ... when it comes to matters of heart, she is still clueless. She has no idea about the real problem. Well, it's not really her problem ... it's mine. She still doesn't know the effect she has on me.

"We are not in train anymore, Katniss." I say trying a different approach.

"You are worried about District people? About Greasy, Haymitch?"

"Definitely not Haymitch."

"And I don't care about anyone ... I don't care what they say ... do you?"

"Not really ... What about your mother?"

"She has left me ... she doesn't have a say." She says not meeting my eyes. But I know she cares ... she misses her.

"She hasn't left you, Katniss. She just ..."

"I think she blames me for Prim's death." She says cutting me.

"What? That's not true." I say. I am not even sure why I am defending her mother. "I guess, it's just painful for her to come back."

"Whatever." Katniss says waving her hand dismissively. "I am alone and I make my own decisions. So what do you say?"

"I don't know." I say shaking my head again.

"Really Peeta ... what are you scared about?" She asks, now getting a bit angry.

_What am I scared about?_ I don't even know where to start. I am afraid of getting too involved (_which I guess I already am_). I am scared of the deep feelings I still have for her. I am scared she won't return them in the same way. I am scared of ending up with a broken heart ... once again. And mostly, I am scared that when the time will come, I will never be able to let go, ever ... that I will always be hooked.

But I cannot tell all of this to her. So, I go back to my old argument, which is another big reason for my refusal.

"What if I hurt you?"

"You won't."

"What if I get an attack during my sleep .. in my nightmares ... I won't be able to fight it ... you will be dead before you can even utter a scream."

"I will take my chances." She says bravely. I smile at her determination. Suddenly, she looks like the Katniss, who is ready to eat nighlock berries to defy Capitol. The Katniss, who is not afraid to pull an arrow on Snow or Coin. So different from the person, who was thrashing in her bed last light.

And the offer ... it's just too tempting. I again go though conflicting emotions. And deep down, I know, just like last night, even if I refuse, I might still end up in her bed. I guess, if she can take a chance with her life ...

"Ok ... then I will take my chances too." I say giving up. I am talking about my heart but she doesn't know that. "But don't complain if you die ... you have been warned." I say smiling.

"I promise, I won't." She says extending her hand.

"Deal." And we shake hands on it. There's no use fighting against this ... I have already lost. And shamelessly, I am happy about it.

That night, after we are done with all the tributes of 74th hunger games, Katniss takes my hand and pulls me up. She quickly takes me upstairs holding tight. It's like she is afraid I will run off if she loosens her grip. We sleep at the other ends of the bed but by morning her head is on my chest and my arms are around her shoulders.

It's kind of funny to see Greasy's reaction in the morning. She doesn't actually catch us in bed but finding me with a morning hairdo and a lazy cup of tea in Katniss' kitchen tells her all. Thankfully, she doesn't ask or comment on anything.

Haymitch, on the other hand, when finds about our arrangement a couple of days later, tactically tries to extract details from us. Me and Katniss both ignore his inquisition and bury ourselves in Quarter Quell tributes' data. And after a couple of hours of prying ... he gives up too.

**A/N: I am assuming that the 'growing together' starts while they are doing the book. They are bound to get emotionally connected while reliving the deaths. They still have a long way to go before 'Real or not Real'. Keep tuned and thanks for the reviews.**

**Also, like you all, even I am excited about the 'Mockingjay Part 1'. I am just afraid, that after seeing it, my thought process for this story might change. I am hoping that it won't happen. **


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